players' choice awards, now with commentary!
I have elected to inhabit a little world wherein Black Monday never happened. The Boston Red Sox still have a general manager and I haven't been living on the edge of sanity for the past four days. 'Kay? We all clear on that?
In other news, MLB's announced the winners of the Players' Choice Awards. These are a little bit like those senior superlatives that every high school shoves in their yearbook to fill up a few more pages between "Our Crappy Football Team" and "Student Groups Nobody Cares About, Like Model Rocket Club and The People Who Put This Stupid Yearbook Together, Anyway." God, I hated those superlatives. I never got one. Then again, this could have a lot to do with the fact that everyone with whom I went to high school hated me, and "Most Likely to be Consumed by the Hellfires of Her Own Bitchery" probably wasn't a kosher category to throw in there. Ahem. Anyway.
Player of the Year: Andruw Jones
I'm sure Andr(insert seasonally appropriate vowel here)w is a very nice guy. I mean, I haven't seen photos of him plastered all over that MLB gossip website that I definitely don't frequent AT ALL DID YOU HEAR ME. But here's the thing -- he finished the year with an OPS of .922, 19th in all of MLB. I'm kind of a stathead -- the Paul DePodesta of Chickball, if you will; number-crunching, blandly dressed and reportedly unable to deal with live humans -- and I know that's not the most convincing evidence possible, but it seems like he won the honor on the basis of his 51 HRs and 128 RBIs. Overrated statistics. I don't know, maybe he saved a baby from oncoming traffic or something. If that's the case, good on you, Mr. Jones. Good on you.
Man of the Year: Mike Sweeney
Mike Sweeney was given this award for pledging money to build an inner-city stadium, among other charitable endeavors. I think Mike Sweeney should have been given this award on the basis of playing in Kansas City for, like, a billion years and not bitching about it. The man could cure cancer and no one would notice.
AL Outstanding Player: David Ortiz
My personal pick for AL MVP. I haven't been taking arguments on this since late August. Tizzle was third in AL OPS behind Slappy McBluelips and Travis Hafner (who doesn't get nearly enough play in MVP discussions). My problem with picking Slaps for MVP is based less on stats and more on team comparison -- Rodriguez isn't even the sure Yankee MVP (you can make the argument that Mo Rivera was more valuable), whereas if the Sox don't have Tizzle, they don't make the postseason and I doubt if they're very far over .500. So in short, I agree! Good for you, players.
NL Outstanding Player: Andruw Jones
Previously discussed. Oh, God. I hope this list doesn't repeat itself. Otherwise, my whole idea for a Chickball post goes down the drain and I'll actually have to do homework. Ew.
AL Outstanding Pitcher: Bartolo Colon
If I could pick up Mark Buehrle and parade him around on my shoulders, believe me, I would. But he's kinda large, so that's not gonna work. COME ON, PEOPLE. As players, of whom would you really be more scared? 20 games don't mean that much. Seriously, Barry Zito did it once and I'm pretty sure he was blazed the whole season.
NL Outstanding Pitcher: Chris Carpenter
Um. I agree. I have nothing to add, beyond "this is an excellent selection. Carpenter is my pick for the NL Cy as well." Moving along.
AL Outstanding Rookie: Huston Street
I can't even lie. I've talked about OPS and DePo and win values here, and I hope I've established myself as someone who kinda knows what she's talking about, but OH MY GOD I LOVE HUSTON STREET LIKE JANICE DICKINSON LOVES HER PLASTIC SURGEON. Except Huston Street has never cut my face off and attached a new one. And then did it again. But, Huston. Not only stepped in for Dotel, but proceeded to blow anything Gas Masterson could have done right out of the water. ERA's not necessarily the key ingredient in evaluating a pitcher, but when a rookie clocks in with the second-lowest relief ERA in the AL, that says something. And that "something" is "Huston Street, please come to Boston and marry me and throw an increasingly awesome slider as much as possible. Love, Suzie." Oh, God. I'm going to move on now.
NL Outstanding Rookie: Willy Taveras
Willy Taveras is the reason that one of my fantasy teams (The Twenty-Sevens, as opposed to Stealth Ninjas! and Suzie's Team of Hot, both of which fared considerably better, kthx) didn't sit in the cellar all season. Willy Taveras saved me from a lifetime of humiliation at the hands of Pam, who kicked my ass in that league because she took Tek and Chase Utley and Carlos Delgado while I took, like, Joe Mauer's Catcher Booty and Mark Grudzielanek and Bobby Crosby, and then Bobby went on the DL for about eight billion years and I tried to win a fantasy league with freaking Neifi Perez at short and GOD I AM STILL RESENTFUL ABOUT THAT. Ahem. Yes. Willy Taveras is a fine ballplayer.
NL Comeback Player: Ken Griffey, Jr.
This is because for the first time in years, Junior Griffey had fewer than eleven malfunctioning body parts. This year, even, there were only two -- the knee and the foot -- and he managed to keep it confined to the same region! Snaps to you, Junior Griffey. I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season and I hope that your spleen does not fall off. Or something.
AL Comeback Player: Jason Giambi
Wait for it...
wait for it...
I swear to God, it's coming...
Okay, it's not. This is a Choose-Your-Own-Punchline kind of joke. I'm sorry, but picking on Jason Giambi is pretty much like shooting Mako sharks in a bathtub with an AK-47. It's just not enough of a workout anymore. I wish they'd given this award to Jason Varitek's goatee.
And those are the winners of the Players' Choice Awards, brought to you from a parallel universe where Theo Epstein is still running the Boston Red Sox, John Kerry won the 2004 election and I don't have eleven thousand papers to write by the end of the month. Over and out.
In other news, MLB's announced the winners of the Players' Choice Awards. These are a little bit like those senior superlatives that every high school shoves in their yearbook to fill up a few more pages between "Our Crappy Football Team" and "Student Groups Nobody Cares About, Like Model Rocket Club and The People Who Put This Stupid Yearbook Together, Anyway." God, I hated those superlatives. I never got one. Then again, this could have a lot to do with the fact that everyone with whom I went to high school hated me, and "Most Likely to be Consumed by the Hellfires of Her Own Bitchery" probably wasn't a kosher category to throw in there. Ahem. Anyway.
Player of the Year: Andruw Jones
I'm sure Andr(insert seasonally appropriate vowel here)w is a very nice guy. I mean, I haven't seen photos of him plastered all over that MLB gossip website that I definitely don't frequent AT ALL DID YOU HEAR ME. But here's the thing -- he finished the year with an OPS of .922, 19th in all of MLB. I'm kind of a stathead -- the Paul DePodesta of Chickball, if you will; number-crunching, blandly dressed and reportedly unable to deal with live humans -- and I know that's not the most convincing evidence possible, but it seems like he won the honor on the basis of his 51 HRs and 128 RBIs. Overrated statistics. I don't know, maybe he saved a baby from oncoming traffic or something. If that's the case, good on you, Mr. Jones. Good on you.
Man of the Year: Mike Sweeney
Mike Sweeney was given this award for pledging money to build an inner-city stadium, among other charitable endeavors. I think Mike Sweeney should have been given this award on the basis of playing in Kansas City for, like, a billion years and not bitching about it. The man could cure cancer and no one would notice.
AL Outstanding Player: David Ortiz
My personal pick for AL MVP. I haven't been taking arguments on this since late August. Tizzle was third in AL OPS behind Slappy McBluelips and Travis Hafner (who doesn't get nearly enough play in MVP discussions). My problem with picking Slaps for MVP is based less on stats and more on team comparison -- Rodriguez isn't even the sure Yankee MVP (you can make the argument that Mo Rivera was more valuable), whereas if the Sox don't have Tizzle, they don't make the postseason and I doubt if they're very far over .500. So in short, I agree! Good for you, players.
NL Outstanding Player: Andruw Jones
Previously discussed. Oh, God. I hope this list doesn't repeat itself. Otherwise, my whole idea for a Chickball post goes down the drain and I'll actually have to do homework. Ew.
AL Outstanding Pitcher: Bartolo Colon
If I could pick up Mark Buehrle and parade him around on my shoulders, believe me, I would. But he's kinda large, so that's not gonna work. COME ON, PEOPLE. As players, of whom would you really be more scared? 20 games don't mean that much. Seriously, Barry Zito did it once and I'm pretty sure he was blazed the whole season.
NL Outstanding Pitcher: Chris Carpenter
Um. I agree. I have nothing to add, beyond "this is an excellent selection. Carpenter is my pick for the NL Cy as well." Moving along.
AL Outstanding Rookie: Huston Street
I can't even lie. I've talked about OPS and DePo and win values here, and I hope I've established myself as someone who kinda knows what she's talking about, but OH MY GOD I LOVE HUSTON STREET LIKE JANICE DICKINSON LOVES HER PLASTIC SURGEON. Except Huston Street has never cut my face off and attached a new one. And then did it again. But, Huston. Not only stepped in for Dotel, but proceeded to blow anything Gas Masterson could have done right out of the water. ERA's not necessarily the key ingredient in evaluating a pitcher, but when a rookie clocks in with the second-lowest relief ERA in the AL, that says something. And that "something" is "Huston Street, please come to Boston and marry me and throw an increasingly awesome slider as much as possible. Love, Suzie." Oh, God. I'm going to move on now.
NL Outstanding Rookie: Willy Taveras
Willy Taveras is the reason that one of my fantasy teams (The Twenty-Sevens, as opposed to Stealth Ninjas! and Suzie's Team of Hot, both of which fared considerably better, kthx) didn't sit in the cellar all season. Willy Taveras saved me from a lifetime of humiliation at the hands of Pam, who kicked my ass in that league because she took Tek and Chase Utley and Carlos Delgado while I took, like, Joe Mauer's Catcher Booty and Mark Grudzielanek and Bobby Crosby, and then Bobby went on the DL for about eight billion years and I tried to win a fantasy league with freaking Neifi Perez at short and GOD I AM STILL RESENTFUL ABOUT THAT. Ahem. Yes. Willy Taveras is a fine ballplayer.
NL Comeback Player: Ken Griffey, Jr.
This is because for the first time in years, Junior Griffey had fewer than eleven malfunctioning body parts. This year, even, there were only two -- the knee and the foot -- and he managed to keep it confined to the same region! Snaps to you, Junior Griffey. I wish you a happy and healthy holiday season and I hope that your spleen does not fall off. Or something.
AL Comeback Player: Jason Giambi
Wait for it...
wait for it...
I swear to God, it's coming...
Okay, it's not. This is a Choose-Your-Own-Punchline kind of joke. I'm sorry, but picking on Jason Giambi is pretty much like shooting Mako sharks in a bathtub with an AK-47. It's just not enough of a workout anymore. I wish they'd given this award to Jason Varitek's goatee.
And those are the winners of the Players' Choice Awards, brought to you from a parallel universe where Theo Epstein is still running the Boston Red Sox, John Kerry won the 2004 election and I don't have eleven thousand papers to write by the end of the month. Over and out.
posted by Suzie at 10:25 PM
4 Comments:
excellent commentary.
i would like to point out that derrick lee should have won at least ONE of the awards he was up for ::grumbles::
also, that my teammate's ex didn't win al rookie of the year. ::rolls eyes::
Thank god the goatee came back. I would have died without it.
If Jason Giambi is a Mako shark, can we have Aaron Rowand come catch him and then they can put it on the Jumbo-tron at Fenway?
suzie, i love you more and more every time i read you. so much love.
and i would also like to point out that derrick lee should have won SOMEthing and i am not even a cubs fan.
taveras for nl rookie of the year! i'm all for that one... we shall see
"I don't know, maybe he saved a baby from oncoming traffic or something."
Haha. Actually, that was A-Rod, over the summer, on Newbury Street, saving a boy who just happened to be a Yankees fan. What are the odds?
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