trade talk from the secret chickball files
Through channels they don't wish to discuss -- but which involved a catapult, some jam, Huston Street's whitening toothpaste and a hell of a lot of alcohol -- Pam and Suzie got their hands on Billy Beane's BlackBerry. Here's the advanced trade scoop they managed to copy down before he chased them out of his office with a baseball bat and a number of expletives they'd never heard before.
Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya (BigSpenda@theotherNYteam.com)
To: Billy Beane (BeaneBall@smallmarket.com)
Subject: Trade talk
Sup, Billy -
K, you know I want Zito. I know you have a mancrush on my boy Milledge. I need another starter, you want my high-fiving rookie who can't play left field at Fenway Park PLUS that Heilman guy AND some other dude. I dunno, man. I'm willing to overpay for Zito but the Milledge kid is good. Holla at me, dawg.
-Omar
*
Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
To: Omar Minaya
Subject: RE: Trade talk
Omar --
Do not insinuate that I have any sort of crush on Milledge. Do you think sharing a name with the one openly gay former player in the majors is particularly easy?
My team's in first with a damn good chance of taking the division, and no snide-ass remarks about only having to beat three other teams; you play 19 games a year against the team formerly known as the Montreal Expos. If you want Zito, I need to be hearing more names than that of a guy who still doesn't know how to catch a ball.
-- B.B.
*
Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
To: Billy Beane
Subject: Payroll
Ok, man, ok. Now, we're taking the NL East title no matter what goes down. And your team still doesn't have enough depth to make it far into the playoffs so I don't know what that mean Expos comment was all about. (Oh, who ARE the Expos now anyway? Is it that red team Jimmy Bowden runs? They have, like, no deniro to spend, dawg.) And speaking of money, David Wright isn't eating up enough of our payroll. We could definitely go for some other guy who's more expensive, so I'm willing to talk about Wright.
-Omar
P.S.- You love Milledge and you KNOW it. Everyone knows it. Buster Olney said he saw you two canoodling in an NYC bar.
*
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
To: Omar Minaya
Subject: The "red team"? For serious?
You're up against the Nationals (or the "red team," if you're going to insist...), the Braves (a dynasty slowly collapsing like a flan in a cupboard), the Marlins (I think you're paying Pedro the total of their entire payroll), and the Phillies (wife-beaters, run by Pat Gillick, who's crazier than you). Don't act like taking the NL East is some great feat. I've had a harder time walking Chavez' dog.
Speaking of Chavez, I've got him at third for the next thousand years, approximately. Keep Wright and give him a bunch of useless incentives. That'll help your compulsive need to spend, you woman.
I could do with some offensive help. Whatcha got?
-- B.B.
P.S. -- Harold Reynolds got fired for sexually harassing Buster Olney. You didn't hear it from me.
*
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
To: Billy Beane
Subject: Ozzie is so hearing about this
How can you not want Wright? He's so hot (or at least that's what my secretary Paul Lo Duca tells me) and if you're getting rid of Zito, you need a player equally good-looking to take his place and keep the Oakland fans happy. (Because we all know your fan base consists of a bunch of women.) If it's offense you want, take Jose Valentin. His mustache has been bothering me for years.
-Omar
P.S.- I'ma pretend you didn't call me "woman" and laugh MINAYACALLY because there are hundreds of websites on this Internet thing that make reference to your possible homosexuality. If Ozzie Guillen doesn't know this now, he will soon, courtesy of me. LOL!
*
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
To: Omar Minaya
Subject: Billy Beane doesn't need pick up lines, he simply says "NOW"
Rich Harden. Huston Street. Bobby Crosby. Nick Swisher. The women of the Oakland fanbase are fine, Omar. Don't imply that I can't satisfy the ladies or you will be choking like your cross-town rivals. I am Billy Beane, man. I am the MacGyver of professional baseball management. I am straighter than Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel combined. Don't mess.
And Lo Duca is your secretary like Joe Blanton is my valet.
Milledge and Heilman for Zito. I've pwned everyone else in this game. Just get in line.
-- B.B.
P.S. -- "this internet thing"? Glad to know you've joined the rest of us in the 21st century, Omar. Bring Sabean and Colletti next time, okay?
*
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
To: Billy Beane
Subject: You suck
Okay, fine, it's a deal. Good luck in the playoffs with that big payroll of yours... loser. Hahahahahaha!
-Omar
P.S.- You know how I know you're gay? You like Paul DePodesta.
*
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
To: Omar Minaya
Subject: How creative, man
Omar,
Remember that scene from THE GODFATHER in which someone who crossed Don Vito ends up with a horse head in his bed?
Keep it in mind, man, keep it in mind.
Pleasure doing business with you. Oh, and Zito likes incense and skanky WB actresses. Just so you know.
-- B.B.
Date: Sun, 23 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya (BigSpenda@theotherNYteam.com)
To: Billy Beane (BeaneBall@smallmarket.com)
Subject: Trade talk
Sup, Billy -
K, you know I want Zito. I know you have a mancrush on my boy Milledge. I need another starter, you want my high-fiving rookie who can't play left field at Fenway Park PLUS that Heilman guy AND some other dude. I dunno, man. I'm willing to overpay for Zito but the Milledge kid is good. Holla at me, dawg.
-Omar
*
Date: Mon, 24 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
Omar --
Do not insinuate that I have any sort of crush on Milledge. Do you think sharing a name with the one openly gay former player in the majors is particularly easy?
My team's in first with a damn good chance of taking the division, and no snide-ass remarks about only having to beat three other teams; you play 19 games a year against the team formerly known as the Montreal Expos. If you want Zito, I need to be hearing more names than that of a guy who still doesn't know how to catch a ball.
-- B.B.
*
Date: Tue, 25 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
Ok, man, ok. Now, we're taking the NL East title no matter what goes down. And your team still doesn't have enough depth to make it far into the playoffs so I don't know what that mean Expos comment was all about. (Oh, who ARE the Expos now anyway? Is it that red team Jimmy Bowden runs? They have, like, no deniro to spend, dawg.) And speaking of money, David Wright isn't eating up enough of our payroll. We could definitely go for some other guy who's more expensive, so I'm willing to talk about Wright.
-Omar
P.S.- You love Milledge and you KNOW it. Everyone knows it. Buster Olney said he saw you two canoodling in an NYC bar.
*
Date: Wed, 26 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
You're up against the Nationals (or the "red team," if you're going to insist...), the Braves (a dynasty slowly collapsing like a flan in a cupboard), the Marlins (I think you're paying Pedro the total of their entire payroll), and the Phillies (wife-beaters, run by Pat Gillick, who's crazier than you). Don't act like taking the NL East is some great feat. I've had a harder time walking Chavez' dog.
Speaking of Chavez, I've got him at third for the next thousand years, approximately. Keep Wright and give him a bunch of useless incentives. That'll help your compulsive need to spend, you woman.
I could do with some offensive help. Whatcha got?
-- B.B.
P.S. -- Harold Reynolds got fired for sexually harassing Buster Olney. You didn't hear it from me.
*
Date: Thu, 27 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
How can you not want Wright? He's so hot (or at least that's what my secretary Paul Lo Duca tells me) and if you're getting rid of Zito, you need a player equally good-looking to take his place and keep the Oakland fans happy. (Because we all know your fan base consists of a bunch of women.) If it's offense you want, take Jose Valentin. His mustache has been bothering me for years.
-Omar
P.S.- I'ma pretend you didn't call me "woman" and laugh MINAYACALLY because there are hundreds of websites on this Internet thing that make reference to your possible homosexuality. If Ozzie Guillen doesn't know this now, he will soon, courtesy of me. LOL!
*
Date: Fri, 28 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
Rich Harden. Huston Street. Bobby Crosby. Nick Swisher. The women of the Oakland fanbase are fine, Omar. Don't imply that I can't satisfy the ladies or you will be choking like your cross-town rivals. I am Billy Beane, man. I am the MacGyver of professional baseball management. I am straighter than Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel combined. Don't mess.
And Lo Duca is your secretary like Joe Blanton is my valet.
Milledge and Heilman for Zito. I've pwned everyone else in this game. Just get in line.
-- B.B.
P.S. -- "this internet thing"? Glad to know you've joined the rest of us in the 21st century, Omar. Bring Sabean and Colletti next time, okay?
*
Date: Sat, 29 Jul 2006
From: Omar Minaya
Okay, fine, it's a deal. Good luck in the playoffs with that big payroll of yours... loser. Hahahahahaha!
-Omar
P.S.- You know how I know you're gay? You like Paul DePodesta.
*
Date: Sun, 30 Jul 2006
From: Billy Beane
Omar,
Remember that scene from THE GODFATHER in which someone who crossed Don Vito ends up with a horse head in his bed?
Keep it in mind, man, keep it in mind.
Pleasure doing business with you. Oh, and Zito likes incense and skanky WB actresses. Just so you know.
-- B.B.
posted by Suzie at 10:54 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home