i didn't take two semesters of creative writing for nothing

'Twas the night before playoffs, and all through BU
Several girls were excited -- not one girl, not two,
But five little girls were totally psyched
Though they wished someone'd confiscate McCarver's mike.

"The Twins will win it all," said Pammy with glee,
"On the strength of -- you know it -- Mauer's catcher booty.
With Johan and Boofy and Justin Morneau,
There's a title in store for my boyfriend Joe."

"Not so fast!" hollered Suzie, from under her books,
"The Oakland Athletics are more than just looks.
Zito's curve, Chavvy's swing -- and though he's quite small,
Never, EVER underestimate Richie's fastball."

"You two are crazy," said Amy, "the Tigers will win it,
Not least on account of Mr. Bonderman's split.
And though I wouldn't want to make this forlorn,
They haven't won a title since before we were born."

"Amy's right," Emily called, "But really, who cares?
It's about time for me to start watching the Bears.
I love that Manning guy -- not Peyton, he's icky!
I'm talking about my nickel back Ricky."

Beth sighed. "I think I will root for any which squad
As long as it doesn't have that bastard A-Rod.
I hate the Yankees, good lord, it's as bad as it gets --
Hell, I'd rather that title be won by the Mets!"

And as each little girl laid her head down to sleep
Each dreamed of -- you guessed it -- her preferred team's sweep.
And we say this to you with all of our might --
"Happy playoffs to all, and to all a good night!"

*

Twins-A's:

"The Zito-Santana matchup will be one for the ages and I'm excited my schedule will allow me to catch the last six innings or so. Johan Santana is arguably the best pitcher in the game right now, with the most regular-season strikeouts, and while Zito improved immensely from his opening day start against the Yanks, he's still not a sure thing. As for the other pitching matchups, Esteban Loaiza (who was absolutely on FIRE toward the end of the season) has the edge over Boof Bonser (unless he gets another DUI) and in Game 3, Brad Radke is a force to be reckoned with. This guy blows me away. On a hunch, I picked him up in my fantasy league around the All-Star break and was well rewarded. Danny Haren has good stuff but he just hasn't been consistent. So, add in a couple MVP candidates, Cy Young Award nominees, and Rookie of the Year possibilities, and it's hard to not pick the Twins here." -- Pam

"Actually, it's really not that hard for me not to pick the Twins here. Good pitching always beats good hitting, and while Johan Santana is practically inhuman, he can only start two games in this series. I'll take Zito-Loaiza-Haren-Boyfriend over Santana-Bonser-Radke-PTBNL. I trust someone can keep Loaiza off the sauce this time, and while Mauer's en fuego and Morneau's gotta be the MVP, I'll take the boys in green. A's in five." -- Suzie

Tigers-Yankees:

"The Tigers have slowed down BIG TIME, and blowing the AL Central title on Sunday was the icing on what has been a nightmarish end to their season. If I were Jim Leyland right now, I'd be nervous. The only way Detroit will take this series is if Verlander reverts to his early-season self and Johnson's back is really bothering him. Otherwise, that Yankee offense is deadly and there's no getting around the fact that this team consistently performs well in the post-season. (It hurts my fingers to type that.)" -- Pam

"Her fingers SHOULD hurt. I have more faith in Verlander to come through right now than I do in that prehistoric bird. It's pretty evenly matched, but I can't make myself do it. Tigers in four." -- Suzie

Dodgers-Mets:

"I don't know about this one. With Pedro out, the Mets aren't exactly a lock for the World Series anymore. They've got some new-ish guys whose post-season performances are unknown, but anyone would love to see the likes of Orlando Hernandez and Tom Glavine on the mound for their team in the playoffs. I just have a strange feeling about the Dodgers. They seem more invigorated than the Mets, led by the ridiculous Nomar Garciaparra. Throw in guys like Maddux and Lowe and, well, the Dodgers could bring about the biggest upset of the post-season." -- Pam

"HEY, OMAR MINAYA, HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? Okay, so the Sox are out and the Mets are in, but I have to get my jabs in somehow. Pedro's arm finally fell off, and that makes the Metropolitans a hell of a lot more vulnerable than they were before. I'm still going with the Mets here, but it's gotta be a five-game series and I wouldn't be that surprised if the Dodgers pulled through." -- Suzie

Cardinals-Padres:

"Two words: Albert Pujols. I love the Padres this season, love Freddy Sanchez and Jake Peavy, but this Cards team is not calling it quits after the first round. You can see it in Pujols' face. He wants it. They want it. And they're not going to let the Padres avenge themselves from last year's NLDS. Sure, Peavy may have all his ribs intact this time around, but it would be quite the feat for small market San Diego to snag a spot in the NLCS." -- Pam

"Which team is worse off right now? I love Pujols and all, but that Cards squad is HURTING. Padres in four, maybe even three." -- Suzie