We only need some starters, a bullpen, more offensive power, and a few outfielders. That's all.

"Theo Epstein promised that the team will aggressively meet its needs in the offseason."

Please. What else is he supposed to say? "Actually, guys, I'm thinking of skipping out on the winter meetings this year. I've been stressed and I really feel the best thing for me right now is to spend five months in Cabo, where I can sip blue drinks with umbrella straws all day and only occasionally pick up the paper. Ima leave Larry in charge for now. Eat your heart out, Dan Shaughnessy." Theo promising to do better next season is very Crash Davis "We gotta play it one day at a time."

On another note, congrats to my brother on winning our East Coast Faction fantasy baseball league. Compared to last year, my finish was appalling. But I guess that's what happens when you have a cruddy offense. Perhaps I should write a book entitled Everything I Know about Fantasy Baseball I Learned from the Pittsburgh Pirates.

And one more thing: <333333 Laurence Maroney