Smack talking a man I once loved

I read a lot of sports stuff online. I check ESPN.com no less than 10 times a day, reading Buster Olney's baseball blog from start to finish, browsing Page 2, and checking up on the latest sports news. I browse Boston Sports Media Watch, Deadspin, Scott's Shots, USCHO, and the Boston Globe pretty much everyday. And like most people, I have my favorite writers. For years, I didn't start my day without clicking on my bookmarked Page 2 and seeing if the almighty Bill Simmons had written something for the site. Having grown up with the infuriating Dan Shaughnessy, Simmons' work was a breath of fresh air. He was funny, optimistic, the voice of the people. He wrote his columns from the standpoint of a fan, not a privileged and aloof journalist who had frequent interaction with the players and teams he covered. His pop culture references were amusing, his sports allegiances to my taste, and his writing voice pleasing. What could beat his "20 Worst Fans at a Baseball Game" article? His Spork Flick/Fever Pitch review? His post-Red Sox World Series victory column? I was positively star-struck the day I met Simmons at a book signing for Now I Can Die in Peace, and he was everything I'd imagined: down-to-earth, humble, and funny.

But I'm building up to something here and you may have guessed what that is: Bill Simmons isn't quite as awesome as I once thought him to be. I still enjoy reading his columns but not the way I used to. And I don't think it's because his work has tailed off. I think after reading him religiously for several years, I've grown accustomed to his style. I don't find references to the Peyton Manning Face or Vengeance Scale terribly amusing anymore. When he launches into a rant, I know where it's going. (I'm not the only one who has picked up on the borderline formulaic style of his work, too.) And I completely skip over his NBA columns because frankly, I just don't care.

But that's me. To new readers, to guys that follow the NBA (all 17 of you), and to people who could never get sick of the Sports Guy's writing style and references to The Karate Kid, he will still reign supreme. Me? I prefer Buster Olney, DJ Gallo, and Gregg Easterbrook now.

On to the inspiration for this entry. This blog entry was called to my attention earlier today and I felt the need to address it. The author, a Mr. JT Schnaars (Philly native with some grammar issues and a small reader audience), tears Simmons apart and backs up his assertions with some flimsy evidence. Let's dissect it, shall we?

*Clears throat*

1. Simmons writing, because it is so infrequent at this point and because he doesn't spend half as much time following sports as he claims to, has become less and less timely and more and more irrelevant.

Explain to me how writing about the Patriots and Suns is neither timely nor relevant. The Suns are hot right now, correct? (No pun intended.) The Patriots just lost in the AFC Championship game in a completely devastating manner, yes? And tell me, Mr. Schnaars, how you know the exact amount of time the Sports Guy devotes to following sports. It's his JOB, for crying outloud. The man Tivo's fricken everything, and I've never gotten the sense while reading his columns that he has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. ESPN wouldn't stand for that.

2. In this same piece he makes CONSTANT references to the 80's Celtics and Lakers. You know what? I get it, those teams were good. But the last time I checked, that was 20 fucking years ago.

Okay, fine. But Mr. Schnaars clearly doesn't grasp how unbelievably exciting the Celtics and Lakers were in the 1980s. I was just a tyke then but hearing my parents talk about those Celtic glory years is positively fascinating. My mom told me that she and my father NEVER missed a game in the early 80s. They'd literally rush home to catch them on TV after work and more than often, my dad would stop by the Garden on his lunch break and get day-of tickets for them and their friends. I occasionally get fed up with all those references too, but you have to understand. For a sports nut like Simmons who grew up with the Celtics as his team during the Larry Bird years, you never let that go. If the Red Sox had won three World Series titles when I was a young and impressionable sports fan, I'd probably bring up that stellar lineup of Troy O'Leary, Tim Naehring, and Jose Canseco more than occasionally. (Ha, say that outloud. It's kind of funny.)

3. Let's get down to the real meat and potatoes though, shant we? In his most recent piece, where he discusses the Patriots (really, that's weird, he never writes about them!), Simmons compares the Pats to the Yankees. On the surface, this is a pretty crappy argument, or at least a very lazy argument, but it's in his reasoning that I really lose all respect for the man. Basically, he asserts that because the Patriots' story lines are so played out, non-fans are starting to hate them.

Um... they are. Does this guy have so little contact with sports fans that he really hasn't witnessed this for himself? Granted, the Pats have a ways to go before they reach Yankee Hatred Status, but how is this a "crappy argument"?

Here's the problem, the number one offender in this regard, is the SAME FUCKING CORPORATION THAT SIGNS HIS FUCKING CHECKS! . . . I would argue, and it's not a hard argument to make, that ESPN is the single entity most responsible for generating hatred for x, y or z among fans. With their incessant idolization, and their sappy, poorly produced features and their idiotic, talking-head commentators, ESPN pushes tired story lines, 24 hours a day until the only emotion we can respond with is hate.

ESPN exists because people want 24-hour coverage of sports. In fact, not only does ESPN exist but so do ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNEWS, ESPNU, and ESPN Deportes. These networks never would have been launched if there wasn't a demand for them. People get obsessed with sports. It's so ingrained in our culture now, so much a part of our social sphere that fans are constantly looking to feed their appetite with the latest news. I wouldn't necessarily say that ESPN generates the hatred fans feel toward certain players or teams. In my opinion, it's the fans who decide Barry Bonds is a lying cheater, Ron Artest is a moron tarnishing the NBA's image, or the Yankees are constantly buying their way into the playoffs. Those are passionate issues that interest people, so of course the worldwide leader in sports is going to run segments on them and encourage PTI, Around the Horn, and Jim Rome is Burning to discuss them. Perhaps some of the SportsCenter features can be sappy, but to say they're poorly produced is bullshit. This guy has no idea what it takes to become an ESPN reporter or producer. These people are the best of the best and they know what the hell they're doing.

4. Did I mention that the Sports Gal has an archives page now?! I didn't? Well, she does, in a sports column. Awesome huh?

Well, Mr. Schnaars, pretty much everyone I've talked to finds The Sports Gal Speaks amusing. She's sassy, obviously isn't taking her task too seriously, and shakes things up a bit. What's more hilariously ironic than having a complete non-sports fan write a blurb every week for her husband's sports column?

5. Finally, some folks will argue, and it's a fair argument, that Bill Simmons laid the ground work for blogging, and a new kind of sports journalism, with his witty pop-culture references. You know what though, pop-culture isn't static, it moves. And while it has continued to move, and at a rapidly increasing rate, Simmons continues to reference the same TIRED ass movies, shows, bands, etc.

Agreed. I could do with a few less references to Hoosiers, 24, and Pearl Jam. But his audience must like that approach or else ESPN wouldn't let it continue.

This is really all an offshoot of the whole "ESPN-has-ruined-sports" arguement that's been gaining some steam lately. . . . Of course the only way things are going to change is if people stop visiting ESPN.com, and I just don't see that happening anytime soon.

Nope, it won't happen. Because for better or worse, that's the best source of sports news on the web. This guy is a stereotypical, angry Philly native who has nothing better to do than make bogus assertions regarding one of the country's most popular sports columnists. The Sports Guy is popular for a reason, dude. Get off your high horse. I highly doubt even you will stop reading ESPN.com.

*

So, I may now consider myself more of The Future Mrs. DJ Gallo than Bill Simmons' Homewrecker, but the Sports Guy has been an important part of my life as a sports fan and that goes for a whole lotta people out there. To skewer him and his employer is a little extreme. Simmons isn't going anywhere, ESPN isn't going anywhere, and, unfortunately, neither are wannabe pundits like JT Schnaars.