NFL Playoffs, Week 2

I was going to title this entry "Deep Penetration" in honor of Jim Nantz and his continuing (unintentional) sexual references during NFL game broadcasts, but I held back. I know, you're disappointed. Anyway, on to some open letters I've penned to the stars of this weekend's FOOTBALL MADNESS!!!!11

LaDainian "But I'm such a nice guy!" Tomlinson: It's one thing to call the Patriots players classless but it's another to drag the coach into it when he's quite clearly the kind of guy who discourages taunting on and off the field. I wouldn't be surprised if he was bitching out his players in the locker room after the game for their behavior following Nate Kaeding's failed field goal attempt. The Pats under the reign of King Belichick have been an organization that makes a point not to smack talk, mock, or taunt its opponents. After all, why would you want the opposing team to play with more passion and vigor? You said, "When you go to the middle of our field and start doing the dance Shawne Merriman is known for, that is disrespectful. They showed no class and maybe that comes from the head coach." Please. Wouldn't you be excited if your team wasn't exactly expecting to win? If you were playing a 14-2 squad with the league MVP? Say what you will, but it was a natural reaction on the part of the players. And just don't trash talk the coach. You're tarnishing your image as a good guy. What will the announcers talk about during Chargers games if you're not SUCH a great guy anymore??

Dear Jabar Gaffney,
Where is this coming from? 18 catches, 207 yards, and 1 touchdown in two playoff games? <3<3<3

Marty Schottenheimer: Sorry you choked in the playoffs again... Okay, fine, I'm not. But maybe you could change your karma by investing in a more updated pair of sunglasses. And perhaps a different hat. You scream washed-up PGA senior.

Shannon Sharpe? We don't know what you're saying. Apparently, you didn't inherit the intelligible gene like your brother Sterling. Even Deion Sanders is easier to understand. But I'll let it slide if you keep shitting on Dan Marino with the other CBS guys. Also, is this your son? Because he sounds a lot like you: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Li3kl7nBlrQ

Dear Tony Siragusa,
We really don't need you to reenact plays for us on the sideline. Not during a game, not ever. This only raises the suckitude of Fox Sports broadcasts.

Stephen Gostkowski: Congrats! No one thought you could replace Adam Vinatieri and do a half-decent job, but you proved us wrong. You may appear 15 years-old and have the look of a kid scared shitless as he takes the mic during the school spelling bee, but kudos to you and your game-winning field goal this weekend. I wasn't sure how you pulled it off until I found his quote of yours on ESPN.com: "Coach Belichick pulled me aside before I went out there and told me that if I missed and made him look stupid for getting rid of Adam Vinatieri, he would destroy everything I love and break up my parents' marriage. That was all the motivation I needed."

Tom Brady,
You continue to be a god among men. I'll meet you at the usual spot this week. xoxo