One year ago today, I stumbled out of bed, grabbed wildly at the coffeepot, thought about doing some homework, and created a Blogger account instead.
"You know, there aren't enough instances of me complaining on the internet," I said, because as my roommates can tell you, I talk to myself both astutely and often. "But I am lazy, and therefore, I can't imagine complaining entertainingly once every three days. Friends! Help!"
. We've talked about steroids; Eau de Chacin; how white Tom Brady is; Torii Hunter's microwaved glove; how Roger Clemens' Social Security number is probably 1; Maurice Clarett's axe; how Theo Epstein left the Sox, came back to the Sox, and then got engaged and broke Certain Hearts We Shall Not Discuss Here; Peyton vs. Eli; and a whole host of other topics. We hope our musings, rants, and analyses have entertained you, because they sure as hell entertained us.
To all of you reading: Thanks for sticking with us over the past year. We appreciate all the feedback we get, and we hope we've done a little bit to refocus the discussion of where women belong in the greater sports fandom.
With that said, we're going to move on to a project that the Chickballers have been talking about for weeks on end: the be-all, end-all discussion of who's hot and who's not in Major League Baseball. Consider this our anniversary present to you, if you will. Our usual poignant insights and razorblade witticisms are contained herein.
Why He’s HOT: Do I really need to say it? At just 23 years of age, he became the only catcher in Major League history to capture the AL batting title, ending this season with a .347 batting average. He already has a piece of memorabilia in Cooperstown (a bat), and he’s being compared to Ted Williams. Joe’s grandfather actually told Twins GM Terry Ryan, “You just signed the next .400 hitter.” And I believe him. Mauer also charitably contributes to the Twin Cities area, and his teammates constantly send praise in his direction. Plus, there’s the sideburns and hottie catcher booty factor. Ow ow.
– PamRunners-up: Jason Varitek, Boston Red Sox; Javy Lopez, Boston Red SoxJorge Posada, New York Yankees
Why He’s NOT: Rat Face, as I affectionately call him, peaked in 2003 with a .281 batting average, 101 RBI, and 30 homers, coming in third place in AL MVP voting. This season was better than last, but the 34 year-old’s performance is declining. That may or may not have something to do with the fact that he pees on his hands to toughen them up. I’m adding a “Posada smells like pee” t-shirt to my Christmas wish list. (And the best part of this picture: It was posted on http://www.nyyfans.com with the caption, “Jorge Posada smiles during fielding drills.” Smiles.
Smiles?)
– Pam
Runner-up: A.J. Pierzynski, Chicago White SoxFIRST BASE
Doug Mientkiewicz, Kansas City Royals
Why He’s HOT: As I sit here writing this, I can think of a fair number of nots: took the World Series ball in 2004, had season-ending back surgery, boasts a last name that’s nearly impossible to spell. (Although I just typed it correctly without looking. If you don’t believe me, fine.) But despite all that, his infield defense proved a huge factor in the Red Sox’s playoff run in 2004. Also, this season’s 43 RBI in 91 games isn’t too shabby, and he was one of the few Royals whose batting average topped .280. (Is that not the saddest statistic ever? The 2006 Kansas City Royals: LOL.)With good plate discipline, a .951 career walk-to-strikeout ratio, and a Gold Glove under his belt, Doug Mientkiewicz is a great all-around player… and he’s nice to look at from behind.
– PamRunner-up: Ben Broussard, Cleveland IndiansJason Giambi, New York Yankees
Why He’s NOT: Admitted to using steroids, sports the pornstache, creepy as all hell in that deodorant commercial from a few years back. (My brother and I had nightmares from that thing.) He’s just… ick. Sure, the guy was voted AL MVP in 2000, but the whole steroids thing has marred that honor. I know Yanks fans love this guy, but I can never respect him or his slugging percentage.
– PamRunner-up: None (obviously)SECOND BASE
Brian Roberts, Baltimore Orioles
Why He’s HOT: Roberts followed a career year in 2005 (.314 batting average, .515 slugging percentage) by starting off the 2006 campaign hitting .330 during the short span of time this year that the Orioles actually, you know, cared. Even after being out for almost a month with a groin injury and some late-season scuffles, he still ended the season at a solid .286 and slugged over .400 while stealing 36 bases, a career high. Sure, the LA Times accused Jason Grimsley of accusing Roberts of using steroids, but then again, but Jason Grimsley and the LA Times are full of… well… let’s take the high road here and say “themselves.” He’s cute, he’s single, and he’s definitely worthy of the AL Hot list.
– Beth
Runner-up: NoneJorge Cantu, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Why He’s NOT: I'm a little bit afraid of Jorge Cantu in this picture. He looks like he means business with that bat – unless, of course, you knew his stats. Seriously, though, the guy who the Tampa Bay sportswriters named their 2005 MVP hit just .249 this year… and for guys with more than 300 at-bats, that was 4th on the team. His picture's creepy soul patch also scares me a lot. What is with baseball players not understanding how to do facial hair tastefully?
– BethRunner-up: NoneTHIRD BASE
Eric Chavez, Oakland Athletics
Why He’s HOT: Despite being hampered by a strange ailment that does not allow him to keep his tongue inside his mouth while playing baseball, Eric Chavez has managed to take home the AL Gold Glove at third base since 2001, although Mike Lowell’s move to the AL could keep him from winning a 6th consecutive Glove (the two have identical fielding percentages). He’s also got a Silver Slugger to his name.
– BethRunner-up: NoneAlex “Anti-Christ” Rodríguez, New York Yankees
Why He’s NOT: All right, I’m going to say this one time and one time only (you hear that,
Dad?): I HAVE HATED A-ROD SINCE HE WENT TO TEXAS. This is not just “Oh, he plays for the Yankees” dislike… this is hardcore hatred going back many years. Seriously, what kind of guy goes from a team winning its division to the team sweeping the cellar of the same division for an extra few million a year when you’re already making many, many millions? The same kind of guy whose website (
www.arod.com) rivals that of David Wells (the now defunct
www.boomer33.com) in its utter ridiculousness, the guy who claims to have saved a small child from a car going “60 MPH” on Newbury Street in Boston, the kind of guy who slaps the ball out of the pitcher’s had in the postseason, the kind of guy who nice-guy Trot Nixon can’t stand. (If you have problems with Trot Nixon, you have problems, period.) He probably would have made the “NOT” list if only for his really weird blue lips, but there’s oh-so-much more. You can talk about his stats and his charity all you want, but with that much money he should be charitable! And the kind of arrogance (some examples from Sports Illustrated: “"I can't help that I'm a bright person, I know that's not a great quote to give, but I can't pretend to play dumb and stupid.” “When people write [bad things] about me, I don't know if it's [because] I'm good-looking, I'm biracial, I make the most money, I play on the most popular team.") he constantly projects is just never, never hot. And A-Rod, if you’re Googling your own name and find this and it makes you sad, go talk to your life coach about it, because I don’t care.
– BethRunners-up: Mike Lowell, Boston Red Sox; Brandon Inge, Detroit Tigers; Shea Hillenbrand, Toronto Blue Jays/San Francisco Giants/The Depths of Hell (editorial note from SLB)SHORTSTOP
Michael Young, Texas Rangers
Why He’s HOT: Let’s be honest, Michael Young can hit. He just turned 30 on the 19th (Happy Birthday!), has a .300 career average (four years consecutively at .300+) and slugs in the .450s, had the second highest number of hits in the AL, and the highest average with runners in scoring position. Oh, and in 2005, he won the AL batting title. Did I mention that he was the 2006 All-Star Game MVP? If all that weren’t enough, we’re talking about a guy who told his manager he would switch positions to make way for the Soriano trade, and a guy who is an ambassador for Wipe Out Kids' Cancer. He’s also pretty.
– Beth
Runner-up: Bobby Crosby, Oakland AthleticsJulio Lugo, Los Angeles Dodgers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays at time of balloting
Why He’s NOT: Well, we had been trying to keep it all Devil Rays up the middle in the AL Not list, but then Lugo had to go and get traded to the Dodgers. No matter, his presence still bothered us enough to remain. After having a decent year in Tampa Bay, (.308 batting average, .498 slugging percentage), he got traded to the Dodgers and immediately forgot how to play baseball. The Dodgers forgot one minor thing when they picked up Lugo – DEVIL RAYS DON'T LIKE WINNING. They pretty much hate it. Position changes explain part of it, but Dodgers fans still shouldn't be surprised. He's also still a Devil Ray in the really terrible facial hair department. We're glad to have him playing in another league and on the other side of the country, since anyone who beats his wife and throws her into a car is pretty much unwelcome to travel to Boston (cough THIS INCLUDES YOU BRETT MYERS cough).
– Beth
Runner-up: Derek Jeter, New York YankeesOUTFIELD
Torii Hunter, Minnesota Twins
Why He’s HOT: A five-time Gold Glove winner and consistently one of the top ten in power and speed in the last five years, Hunter has all the right traits for a top-of-the-line center fielder, but it’s the gravity-defying catches that he makes on a routine basis that really seal the deal. The fact that he’s played his whole career with one team only strengthens the love for him, since that so rarely happens these days. And the boyish smile – well, you know, that doesn’t hurt either.
– AmyGrady Sizemore, Cleveland Indians
Why He’s HOT: As a 23-year-old with a .908 OPS during his 2006 All-Star season, Sizemore just keeps getting hotter. As the AL leader for runs, along with being in the top two for doubles, triples, and power-speed number, this young center fielder has a bright future as long as he doesn’t burn out (AL leader [tie] in games played).
– AmyGabe Kapler, Boston Red Sox
Why He’s HOT: Honestly, I can’t think of a reason why anyone wouldn’t love this guy. Granted, he may not have the top numbers, and he may not be a regular starter, but he also plays for the Sox, a team where everyday players elsewhere become backups because there are so many stars. But Kapler gives his heart and soul to the Sox, and when he does play, he never fails to impress with his fielding and non-assuming demeanor (even though his former-body-building bod makes it hard to miss him). And if that’s not enough, the guy started his own foundation with his wife – The Gabe Kapler Foundation – to make people aware of and to fight domestic violence. When I read the site the first time, it nearly made me cry. This guy is just a truly good guy, and if that doesn’t make someone hot, I don’t know what does. –
AmyRunners-up: Scott Podsednik, Chicago White Sox; Manny Ramirez, Boston Red Sox; Nick Markakis, Baltimore Orioles; Jermaine Dye, Chicago White Sox; Corey Patterson, Baltimore OriolesGary Sheffield, New York Yankees
Why He’s NOT: Three points. 1) Steroids. 2) Friends with Barry Bonds. 3) Plays for the Yankees, and did play for the Braves for some time previously, the two greatest evils in the sport of professional baseball. And finally, the guy has the most annoying pre-swing bat swagger/waggle (new word: swaggle) ever. Despite the impressive statistics Sheffield has posted consistently throughout his 18-year career, you just can’t give props to a guy who has admitted to using steroid cream. –
AmyDmitri Young, Detroit Tigers
Why He’s NOT: Domestic violence is never cool. And then, you might also know there’s a problem when the guy’s got a tattoo of the Alcoholics Anonymous logo on his wrist to remind himself and thank the group for trying to help him face alcoholism. Alcoholism and drug addictions – also not cool. The Tigers have released him, and he’s still got those charges to face up to, so basically, nothing is really looking good for Young, and he’s not looking good either. –
AmyJay Gibbons, Baltimore Orioles
Why He’s NOT: I really don’t know what to say here other than it hurts my eyes to see him on TV. At least his acne has cleared up. *cringe* –
PamRunners-up: Hideki Matsui, New York Yankees; Bubba Crosby, New York Yankees; Jason Kubel, New York Yankees; Johnny Damon, New York YankeesDESIGNATED HITTER
David Ortiz, Boston Red Sox
Why He’s HOT: Everyone loves Big Papi. Even Yankees fans can’t touch this guy. A clutch hitter with a monster OPS, in the top five for AL MVP voting the past three years, Silver Slugger, most homers and RBI in the AL this season, a big clubhouse presence/cheerleader, and a giant teddy bear. Ortiz is hands down the most beloved member of the Red Sox, and fans can thank the Minnesota Twins and Theo Epstein for his career in Boston. As a side note, the “Cooking with David Ortiz” segment on NESN’s Faith Rewarded DVD? Fantastic. –
PamRunner-up: Shea Hillenbrand, San Francisco Giants, Toronto Blue Jays at time of balloting (Emily, how could you?)Carl Everett, Seattle Mariners (sort of)
Why He’s NOT: I think this picture says it all. ME CARL! ME ANGRY! RAAAAAAWR. DFAed by the Mariners this past July, Everett was once quoted as saying he doesn’t believe in dinosaurs. He is, however, a fan of head-butting umpires. Crazy Carl has created a fair amount of controversy over the years, but we are all indebted to him for Boston Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy’s hilarious nickname, the “curly-haired boyfriend” (or CHB). Actually, it’s strange to think Everett won’t be around next season. No more reports of his ridiculousness turning up a few times each year, no more reactions of, “Oh man, that guy’s still around? Remember that time he…” –
PamRunner-up: Raul Ibanez, Seattle MarinersPITCHERS
Huston Street, Oakland Athletics
Why He’s HOT: With 60 career saves, a 1.09 career WHIP, a 2005 AL Rookie of the Year plaque and teeth that look like Chiclets, Street’s a lock for this ballot. This Texas native came up from Triple-A Sacramento at the beginning of 2005 and took over for an injured Octavio Dotel, effectively ending Dotel’s career in Oaktown. He faltered a bit this season, but come on, now. The boy had to dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl for rookie hazing, and he made that
plaid miniskirt look
good. –
SuzieRich Harden, Oakland Athletics
Why He’s HOT: Dude, have you
seen that photo of him at his locker in nothing but Under Armor shorts? Ask me to send it to you sometime, I like sharing. In all seriousness, Canadian Richie’s fastball is the sort of thing that makes pitching coaches believe in God, and I know I’m not the only one who thinks he’ll be a lock for the Cy Young if he can make it through a season without getting hurt. When Mychael Urban was writing
Aces, his chronicle of Hudson, Mulder and Zito’s last season together, he briefly considered renaming it Rich Harden’s
Valets. Also, he and Huston Street are roommates. Ain’t that cute? –
SuzieFrancisco Liriano, Minnesota Twins
Why He’s HOT: Until Minnesota’s Wonder Boy was sidelined in July with a left elbow injury, he was the frontrunner for AL Rookie of the Year and a contender for the Cy Young as well. He still finished the season with a 12-3 record and an even 1.00 WHIP – and at 22, he’s not that much older than the Chickballers themselves. Liriano was an All-Star for the Ozzie Guillen Nepotism Squad in June, and he won his seventh career game that month against Roger Freaking Clemens. He’s about half Roger’s age, by the way. Not bad for a guy who came to the Twins as a throw-in in the A.J./Boofy deal. –
SuzieJonathan Papelbon, Boston Red Sox
Why He’s HOT: Boston’s answer to Rick “Wild Thing” Vaughn in Major League, Papelbon tore up Fenway Park this year on his way to 35 saves, an 0.92 ERA, and a WHIP smaller than A-Rod’s [BLEEP]. Papelbon now holds the single-season record for saves by a Red Sox rookie, along with the single-season record for Most Inappropriate Jokes Inspired By A Player’s Last Name in recent memory. Paps injured his shoulder at the beginning of September and is slated to move to the starting rotation next year, so the Sox are tasked with finding a new closer – and no, Keith Foulke, you can’t have your job back. –
SuzieKyle Farnsworth, New York Yankees
Why He’s HOT: Farnsworth’s not just our token Hot Yankee. The Chickballers’ collective love affair with “Teh Farns” goes back to his days with the Chicago Cubs and his first appearance on one of our favorite sites, http://www.wordupthome.com. First, he’s a Mormon with huge thighs. Second, he’ll fight anyone to the death. And third… well, yeah, I guess we did need a hot Yankee in here somewhere. –
SuzieRunners-up: Johan Santana, Minnesota Twins; Jon Garland, Chicago White Sox; Barry Zito, Oakland Athletics; Joe Nathan, Minnesota Twins; Scott Kazmir, Tampa Bay Devil RaysGustavo Chacin, Toronto Blue Jays
Why He’s NOT: I almost cried when I found out Chacin had alopecia (“He’s an alpaca!”
– Arrested Development) and therefore, I couldn’t make fun of his lumpy, bald Winston Churchill head. However, there’s a lot more to talk about here. After a reasonably impressive rookie year in 2005, Chacin’s performance dropped off considerably in 2006 and seriously messed with J.P. Ricciardi’s chi. Apparently, the Blue Jays decided to market a cologne named after him – but really, who’d want to smell like a dude who resembles the villain in a Jerry Bruckheimer movie? –
SuzieRandy Johnson, New York Yankees
Why He’s NOT: It’s 2006 and the man is still sporting a mullet and the same facial hair that my dad rocked in 1984. He’s killed a dove, assaulted a cameraman, hid an illegitimate daughter, served up a 538-foot home run to Mark McGwire, and struck out Wade Boggs three times in one game, which annoys me. He’s paid $16 million per year for mediocre performances that only echo his earlier dominance. And close-up shots of his face make me wish high definition television had never been invented. –
SuzieDavid Wells, San Diego Padres, Boston Red Sox at time of balloting
Why He’s NOT: I’m sorry, you seriously want me to elaborate on why David Wells is unattractive? What next? A research paper on how the sky is blue? How much more evidence do you people
need? –
SuzieSidney Ponson, free agent, New York Yankees at time of balloting
Why He’s NOT: Talking about his doughboy physique and strong resemblance to a disgruntled baby would be too easy here. Ponson seems unable to stay off the sauce and out of the driver’s seat, as his two drunk-driving charges would indicate. He’s assaulted a judge for fuzzy reasons that apparently involve a powerboat. He’s been DFA’d more times than he’s been in jail, but for some reason, he’s still a knight in the Netherlands. The hell? Who are they going to knight next, Robert Blake? –
SuzieJulian Tavarez, Boston Red Sox
Why He’s NOT: I’m a Red Sox fan. For the vast majority of the 2006 season, I wanted to shoot myself in the face every time Tavarez entered a game – and I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I’d done just that. He gets into a fight about every five seconds, which is only impressive if you are Kyle Farnsworth, and I get the distinct impression that were these fights not broken up, he’d go down like a sack of potatoes.
Oh, and he’s the
ugliest man I’ve ever seen in my
life. –
SuzieRunners-up: Mark Buehrle, Chicago White Sox; Tyler Walker, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
*
NATIONAL LEAGUECATCHER
Brad Ausmus, Houston Astros
Why He’s HOT: So maybe Ausmus set a record in Houston with his 0-for-36 hitless streak this season. And maybe he had the third lowest batting average of his 14-year major league career. But he also has two Gold Glove Awards, and a ninth-inning shot last season forced extra innings in Game 4 of the NLDS. His offensive struggles have been the butt of jokes in Houston but as ‘Stros fan Amy will attest, he’s a cutie.
– PamRunner-up: None (Let’s just say it was a weak category…)Ramon Castro, New York Mets
Why He’s NOT: Is it bad that I nominated this guy for “not” based solely on the fact that he looks evil? In any case, he played only 40 games this season, partially because of Paul Lo Duca, partially because of an oblique strain. Whatever. He joins Julio Lugo in the Creepy Athlete Hall of Fame.
– PamRunner-up: NoneFIRST BASE
Nomar Garciaparra, Los Angeles Dodgers
Why He’s HOT: If this guy doesn’t get Comeback Player of the Year, I’ll… I don’t know, I’ll do something. He had his obligatory stint on the DL this season but it didn’t stop him from returning in a big way, carrying his team to the playoffs with some clutch hits late in the season. Nomar and his dazzling smile will always have a special place in my heart, as he was the face of the Red Sox for much of my childhood and blows me away with his charitable contributions. Also, kudos to him for marrying a nice, talented athlete rather than, say, a blonde bimbo/ex-stripper. (*coughJOHNNYDAMONcough*)
– PamRunners-up: Carlos Delgado, New York Mets; Travis Lee, Tampa Bay Devil RaysNick Johnson, Washington Nationals
Why He’s NOT: Hey, it’s Sloth from
The Goonies! Johnson did okay with the Nats this season, posting an OPS of .948 (tenth in the NL), a .290 batting average, and 110 walks (third in the NL). He’ll actually make $16.5 million over the next three seasons. Even so, he was ehh with the Yankees in the post-season (.077 batting average in the 2003 ALDS, just a smidge better than A-Rod’s performance this October) and, well, he’s not the best-looking guy in the world. The squinty/cross-eyed look, the pseudo-facial hair thing, the triangle eyebrows. Yeah. (Fun fact: Johnson is the nephew of Larry Bowa. He’s got great things to look forward to in the looks department.)
– PamRunner-up: None (Come on. SLOTH. There were no runners-up.)SECOND BASE
Chase Utley, Philadelphia Phillies
Why He’s HOT: What can you say about a kid who at the tender age of 24 gets his first major league start and hits a grand slam in his second at-bat? This year’s NL All-Star second baseman hit .309, led the NL with 131 runs scored, and slugged a very impressive (especially for a middle infielder) .527. He also tied the longest hitting streak ever by a 2B (35 games). Since he’s only 27, we can expect nothing but hot things to keep coming.
– BethRunners-up: Craig Biggio, Houston Astros; Aaron Miles, St. Louis Cardinals; Todd Walker, journeyman (most recently San Diego Padres)Jose Valentin, New York Mets
Why He’s NOT: The elder Jose in the Mets’ infield just posted his second best batting average in his 14-year career… at a whopping .271. His slugging and OBP are slightly more respectable, but that doesn’t matter when your team needs a clutch hit and you can’t put wood on the ball. Also, serious pr0nstache alert!
– BethRunner-up: NoneTHIRD BASE
David Wright, New York Mets
Why He’s HOT: Anyone asking this question CLEARLY did not watch the 2006 Home Run Derby and obviously did not see him hit 16 HOME RUNS in the first round and look gorgeous doing it. While he’s ancient compared to Hanley (a mature 23 years old), he has already played 2 and a half seasons and a major commercial aircraft named after him. Seriously, Delta named a plane for him. I’d name a plane after him if I actually owned lots of planes - he was in the NL top 10 for both batting average and RBI, and he has an eponymous charitable foundation to raise money for MS with corny things like the “Do The Wright Thing” gala. What more can you ask of someone who probably still gets carded and goes on TRL?
– BethRunner-up: Jeff Cirillo, Milwaukee BrewersMark “Markijuana” Bellhorn, San Diego Padres
Why He’s NOT: How does this man ALWAYS manage to look like he’s high? It is a great mystery of our time, to be sure. He’s always been a dicey hitter (career average only .231), but this year he hit only .190, leading one to ask how he’s managed to stay in the majors all this time… particularly with that hair. Seriously, the hair.
– BethRunner-up: Garrett Atkins, Colorado RockiesSHORTSTOP
Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins
Why He’s HOT: If ever anyone was proof of genetic experimentation to make people better, we may just find out its Hanley Ramirez. Traded to the Marlins from the Red Sox as part of the Josh Beckett/Mike Lowell deal (if Beckett keeps up like this, can we have Hanley back?), the 22-year-old rookie stole 51 bases (5th in MLB) and posted an .833 OPS. Sure, he made 26 errors, but he’s 22 years old and smoking hot. ‘Nough said.
– BethRunners-up: Jose Reyes, New York Mets; Felipe Lopez, Washington NationalsJack Wilson, Pittsburgh Pirates
Why He’s NOT: First things first - Jack Wilson crapped up my fantasy team this year. Aside from a career year in 2004 where he hit .308 and banged out 41 doubles, he’s never really been a great player at the plate. He can field very well, to be sure, but until the Pirates actually have good pitching that the good fielding can back up, does anyone care?
– BethRunner up: Adam Everett, Houston AstrosOUTFIELD
Jeff Francoeur, Atlanta Braves
Why He’s HOT: So Jeffy strikes out more than um, well, most people, and he hardly ever walks, but the guy is also only 22. Patience at the plate can be learned, and if you’ve ever watched Francoeur, it’s obvious he’s one of those natural, all-around players that every coach and GM dreams about. And I mean, just LOOK at this picture. The guy is adorable; your all-American boy who’s living out his childhood dream. Adorable.
– AmyCarlos Beltran, New York Mets
Why He’s HOT: As hard as it may be for me to admit, as I’ve sort-of hated him since he “betrayed” the ‘Stros for the millions of dollars the Mets gave him, Beltran is a five-tool player who was at or near the top of every statistics list this year - .594 slugging, .982 OPS, second in runs scored, fifth in home runs, and a three time all-star. Beltran seems to have it all, including the highlight-reel catches out in center, even if he did strike out looking with bases loaded to end the NLCS. (Sorry, I had to get my jab at him in there somewhere).
– AmyPat Burrell, Philadelphia Phillies
Why He’s HOT: So maybe there’s a bit of a dearth in statistics here, but when Burrell steps into uniform, no one’s really complaining about the view from the back. Even with a nickname of “Pat the Bat,” for his powerhouse slugging ability, Philly fans started boo-ing him this season after several seasons of failed production in crucial situations. His future with Philly may be in doubt, but I’m sure there are plenty of women fans who wouldn’t have a problem having him on their team - particularly the chicks who dig the long-ball and men in tight pants.
– AmyBrad Hawpe, Colorado Rockies
Why He’s HOT: You know what? This all goes back to Barry Bonds. Amy’s talking about how he’s the Ugliest Ug ever to Ug down Ug Avenue in Ugville, Ug Jersey, and that somehow extends to everyone who might be associated with him by team, league, or position. We don’t know anything about Brad Hawpe other than that he hit .293 this season with a decent OBP and that his middle name is “Bonte.” But he’s somehow managed to escape the black cloud Bonds has cast over all NL outfielders, and for that, we salute him. Cheers to you, Brad Hawpe. Cheers to you.
– SuzieRunners-up: Moises Alou, San Fransisco Giants; Brady Clark, Milwaukee Brewers; Kenny Lofton, Los Angeles Dodgers; Jim Edmonds, St. Louis CardinalsEric Byrnes, Arizona Diamondbacks
Why He’s NOT: All the pictures I could find of this kid were of him flying through the air in some awkward position or another. Why? I don’t understand. He has the nickname of “Pig-Pen” in Arizona, because his jerseys are always filthy. He didn’t tag the freaking base in the ALDS 2003 series with the A’s (which is good, they were playing the Red Sox) and has slumped ever since. He was sent to a myriad of baseball hells for that sin, including the Rockies, Orioles, and the D-Backs. This year, his stats are picking up again with a batting average of .267 and an on-base percentage of .313. Still, that hair? He just looks put together wrong.
– EmilyShawn Green, New York Mets
Why He’s NOT: Greene faded this year from a long string of relatively good offensive seasons, hitting only 15 home runs and 66 RBIs in the regular season. And um, just look at him. Not feelin’ the love there.
– AmyCody Ross, Florida Marlins
Why He’s NOT: Moved to three different teams in one season, Ross didn’t make an impression on any of them – or on any of us. Then of course, he did end up with the Marlins, and I’m not entirely sure that anyone on the Marlins even has the ability to make an impression on anyone anymore (Dontrelle Willis exempted). He’s bald (he’s 26! Not eligible to be acceptably bald yet) and has a squished-up face, and to further prove how small an impression he made, I had a really hard time finding more than 10 photos of him online.
– AmyBarry Bonds, San Francisco Giants
Why He’s NOT: There is no statistic on the face of this earth that could convince me that Bonds is attractive in any way, shape, or form – and especially not when dressed in drag. Just to make things perfectly clear, Bonds would have been a “not” before the BALCO scandal, as he’s always been a jerk to the media and the fans. But now, we get to laundry list the ways in which Barry Bonds is a not: steroids, perjury, breaking the home run record while on steroids, using his multi-million dollar life as a pathetic attempt to get sympathy through “Bonds on Bonds” (also the worst name possible for a reality TV show about a self-involved prick… or possibly the best name, if you think about it), steroids, the sneer with which he addresses fans and the media (when he’s not trying to get sympathy), and oh, in case we haven’t mentioned it enough, STEROIDS. And then the lying about it. Quit lying, Barry, other players did ‘roids too, and we hate them, but at least we’re getting over it. Your repeated and ridiculous denials just make us hate you that much more.
– AmyRunner-up: Joe Borchard, Florida MarlinsPITCHERS
Mark Mulder, St. Louis Cardinals
Why He’s HOT: Well, he hails from Chicagoland originally and played for the A’s until 2005. Not good reasons? How about a .280 batting average and being a former all-star? Back in his heyday he had only 1 loss in the season (2001) and a career-low ERA of 3.14 (2003). This season he had a misleading 7.14 ERA and 6-7 record, only pitching in 17 games. His shoulder put him on the DL in late June and out of the season in August. He recently had surgery on the shoulder, but he looks good on the bench as well as the mound. This sexy lefty won’t be pitching in the post-season, but we do get to fawn over his beautiful face in the dugout. Sigh!
– EmilyDoug Davis, Milwaukee Brewers
Why He’s HOT: A 4.91 ERA and a 1.515 WHIP are good indicators of why this lefty is on fire. I mean, besides the sexy facial hair and dark brooding look. My favorite Cervecero, he went 11-11 in the 2005 and 2006 seasons. He’s also a nice guy, using a pink bat on Mothers Day of 2006 to support the Breast Cancer Foundation. Awww! His batting average is so poor, it cannot be printed here, but he tries and is very good looking, so we forgive him (as I’m sure all good Brewers fans will agree). He’s tall and hot and plays for Milwaukee. Everyone should love him.
– EmilyAdam “Rufus” Wainwright, St. Louis Cardinals
Why He’s HOT: First off, I put “Rufus” in parenthesis up there not because it’s his nickname, but that’s what I call him. Adam is a boring name, and such a nice looking pitcher should have a cool name, like Mr. Wainwright the musician. Mr. Wainwright the pitcher is maybe 25, in his second season of the majors, and absolutely hot. 3.12 ERA and 3 saves in 61 games (75 innings pitched), and his first career at-bat was a home-run against the Giants this spring. He pretty much saved the Cardinals from elimination against the Mets in Game 7 of the NLCS (with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th and a 2 run lead) and cleaned up the Padres in the NLDS. He’s got a .500 batting average, but then again he’s only been at-bat 6 times in his career. This hottie is catapulting in the realm of all-star, his numbers are solid and so are his biceps. And just look at that face! What a cutie.
– EmilyTim Hudson, Atlanta Braves
Why He’s HOT: Another hottie who started in Oakland (what is it with Oakland and incredibly sexy pitching staff?), Timmy was traded to Atlanta in 2005. This year he was a little off his past trends with a 4.86 ERA and 13-12 record. His batting average is below .100, but whatever, he’s a pitcher and really hot. A two time all-star, he was selected for the World Baseball Classic in 2006 to play for Team USA (durrr). He’s a family man (there are adorable pictures of the Braves’ Family Day and his daughter and son) who has been up for the Cy Young Award multiple times and led the AL in multiple categories while still with the A’s. Despite all that, his chiseled jaw line is really the root of his hotness, in my opinion.
– EmilyRoy Oswalt, Houston Astros
Why He’s HOT: He got a bulldozer from the Astros when he clinched the pennant last year. He really wanted a bulldozer, so the management got it for him. And with a 15-8 record and 2.98 ERA this season, I’d say he was worth it. And all that money he just signed for over 5 years with the Astros. He had an injury early in the season, but he came back with force. While he wasn’t winning any clinching games this year, he made all-star in 2005 and 2006 and has been up for a Cy Young four times. His boyish good looks and the tight baseball pants really helped to get him on this list as well. Yes, we will take him.
– EmilyRunners-up: Matt Morris, San Fransisco Giants; Andy Pettite, Houston Astros; Mark Prior, Chicago CubsBrett Myers, Philadelphia Phillies
Why He’s NOT: If you’d asked me a year ago what I thought of Brett Myers, I would have said he was an okay looking guy with good numbers (3.72 ERA last year and a 13-8 record). And then he, you know, was arrested for PUNCHING HIS WIFE. It happened in Boston in June. The next day? Yup, he was out there pitching. The Phillies did nothing to him -\ he took 2 and a half weeks of leave, but that’s mostly because everyone was willing to dump on him (a natural reaction, if you ask me) on national media. If you’re in the major leagues, idolized by hundreds of little boys, the last thing in the world you want to do is beat up a woman and get away with it. What does that teach our youth? That they too can disrespect and hurt women and not have to pay the consequences! How touching. Thank you, Brett Myers. And then the charges were dropped because they’re in marriage counseling and they love each other sooo much. Read here: he didn’t want to look bad, she didn’t want to lose her Armani wardrobe. If this list weren’t restricted to players, the entire Phillies management would be on the Not list. They’re that ugly.
– EmilyMike Remlinger, Atlanta Braves
Why He’s NOT: This guy gets passed around more than some hookahs. The Cubs, Red Sox, Braves, Reds, Mets… they’ve all had a piece of the Remlinger action. He seems to be making the same screaming face (see picture) in all the photos I looked at for him, no matter what uniform he’s wearing. His stats are okay, a 4.03 ERA in 22.3 innings and 1.612 WHIP. However, he’s old, skaggy, gross, and got released from the Braves. Loser.
– EmilyDerrick Turnbow, Milwaukee Brewers
Why He’s NOT: If you can get past the bad hair, permanently set expression that kinda looks like a trout, huge nose, bad teeth, and generally nasty air about the guy, there’s still the whole “getting banned from international competition because of illegal steroid use” issue that isn’t very attractive. He had an amazing April (a save in each game for the first four games he played of the season) and was selected for the All-Star game. However, he choked after that, probably because he got off the sauce, with a 6.87 ERA for the year (up from 1.74 in 2005 with similar games played and IP). After this season, the Brewers are probably wondering what they got themselves into (answer: a 3 year $6.5M contract with a choking steroid abuser). Just plain fugly.
– EmilyBrad Penny, Los Angeles Dodgers
Why He’s NOT: He looks like an oaf. Okay, he is an oaf. He’s an oaf who can pitch alright, but seriously. Look at this guy. An all-star in 2006, he a 4.33 ERA and 16-9 record. Did I mention he hails from Oklahoma and is dating Alyssa Milano? Gross. Besides his terrible looks and bad taste in women, he once bet a bat-boy to drink a gallon of milk in an hour and not vomit. Of course, it’s impossible to do, so the kid puked, someone found out about the bet and suspended the poor bat-boy for 6 games. Way to be, Brad Penny. Way to be.
– EmilyJon Lieber, Philadelphia Phillies
Why He’s NOT: What is he doing there? Is that a smile? It looks like a grimace to me. A 4.93 ERA and losing record for the season is the statistical proof of his ugly, but just look at that face. I think it’s mostly the lips. They’re gross. He’s a former all-star and was up for the Cy Young that same year, had an amazing 17 wins in 2005, but nothing can make that face any prettier. And his butt’s kinda gross too. Looks like a couple of over-cooked marshmallows.
– Emily
Runners-up: Rheal Cormier, Cincinnati Reds; Jason Marquis, St. Louis Cardinals; Byung-hyun Kim, Colorado Rockies; Bronson Arroyo, Cincinnati Reds*
That's all, guys. Thanks to Amy for helping me format this beast, thanks to all our writers for contributing, and thanks to our readers for your continued support, which you can show through donations of cash or baked goods.
