17 days...

"Is it bad that I was watching SportsCenter at the gym today, and they were showing highlights of the Venezuelan world series, and I got totally into it? I realized I was waving the dude home on a bases clearing double to win the game in the bottom of the 9th after they were down 8 runs going into the ninth. I think the people around me thought I was nuts. I cannot watch SportsCenter at the gym for this reason. I miss baseball."
-e-mail I received today

Once the Patriots were booted in the AFC Championship, a grueling, somewhat enjoyable season came to a close. And about a day after that, I started seriously missing my one true love, baseball. The off-season hot stove reports are only somewhat satisfying. What truly feeds the appetite is the return of Baseball Tonight on ESPN. I need to smell sausage and beer wafting from the direction of Yawkey Way, hear the soft roar from Fenway after an RBI double. I want to latch onto an unsung hero and contemplate buying his jersey, donning my faithful Jason Varitek shirt in the meantime. I'm not proud of the fact that I participate in a fantasy baseball league every year, but it's strange not having lineup adjustments as part of my daily routine.

It's time.

Pitchers and catchers report: 17 days
First workout: 18
Position players report: 21
First full workout: 22
First spring training game: 28
First regular season game: 61
Opening day at Fenway: 69

Until then, if anyone needs me, I'll be mourning the loss of Theo Epstein's bachelorhood. So much for my elaborate plan to meet and woo him with the help of his father, Boston University prof Leslie Epstein. It's official: this school is good for NOTHING.

Smack talking a man I once loved

I read a lot of sports stuff online. I check ESPN.com no less than 10 times a day, reading Buster Olney's baseball blog from start to finish, browsing Page 2, and checking up on the latest sports news. I browse Boston Sports Media Watch, Deadspin, Scott's Shots, USCHO, and the Boston Globe pretty much everyday. And like most people, I have my favorite writers. For years, I didn't start my day without clicking on my bookmarked Page 2 and seeing if the almighty Bill Simmons had written something for the site. Having grown up with the infuriating Dan Shaughnessy, Simmons' work was a breath of fresh air. He was funny, optimistic, the voice of the people. He wrote his columns from the standpoint of a fan, not a privileged and aloof journalist who had frequent interaction with the players and teams he covered. His pop culture references were amusing, his sports allegiances to my taste, and his writing voice pleasing. What could beat his "20 Worst Fans at a Baseball Game" article? His Spork Flick/Fever Pitch review? His post-Red Sox World Series victory column? I was positively star-struck the day I met Simmons at a book signing for Now I Can Die in Peace, and he was everything I'd imagined: down-to-earth, humble, and funny.

But I'm building up to something here and you may have guessed what that is: Bill Simmons isn't quite as awesome as I once thought him to be. I still enjoy reading his columns but not the way I used to. And I don't think it's because his work has tailed off. I think after reading him religiously for several years, I've grown accustomed to his style. I don't find references to the Peyton Manning Face or Vengeance Scale terribly amusing anymore. When he launches into a rant, I know where it's going. (I'm not the only one who has picked up on the borderline formulaic style of his work, too.) And I completely skip over his NBA columns because frankly, I just don't care.

But that's me. To new readers, to guys that follow the NBA (all 17 of you), and to people who could never get sick of the Sports Guy's writing style and references to The Karate Kid, he will still reign supreme. Me? I prefer Buster Olney, DJ Gallo, and Gregg Easterbrook now.

On to the inspiration for this entry. This blog entry was called to my attention earlier today and I felt the need to address it. The author, a Mr. JT Schnaars (Philly native with some grammar issues and a small reader audience), tears Simmons apart and backs up his assertions with some flimsy evidence. Let's dissect it, shall we?

*Clears throat*

1. Simmons writing, because it is so infrequent at this point and because he doesn't spend half as much time following sports as he claims to, has become less and less timely and more and more irrelevant.

Explain to me how writing about the Patriots and Suns is neither timely nor relevant. The Suns are hot right now, correct? (No pun intended.) The Patriots just lost in the AFC Championship game in a completely devastating manner, yes? And tell me, Mr. Schnaars, how you know the exact amount of time the Sports Guy devotes to following sports. It's his JOB, for crying outloud. The man Tivo's fricken everything, and I've never gotten the sense while reading his columns that he has absolutely no idea what he's talking about. ESPN wouldn't stand for that.

2. In this same piece he makes CONSTANT references to the 80's Celtics and Lakers. You know what? I get it, those teams were good. But the last time I checked, that was 20 fucking years ago.

Okay, fine. But Mr. Schnaars clearly doesn't grasp how unbelievably exciting the Celtics and Lakers were in the 1980s. I was just a tyke then but hearing my parents talk about those Celtic glory years is positively fascinating. My mom told me that she and my father NEVER missed a game in the early 80s. They'd literally rush home to catch them on TV after work and more than often, my dad would stop by the Garden on his lunch break and get day-of tickets for them and their friends. I occasionally get fed up with all those references too, but you have to understand. For a sports nut like Simmons who grew up with the Celtics as his team during the Larry Bird years, you never let that go. If the Red Sox had won three World Series titles when I was a young and impressionable sports fan, I'd probably bring up that stellar lineup of Troy O'Leary, Tim Naehring, and Jose Canseco more than occasionally. (Ha, say that outloud. It's kind of funny.)

3. Let's get down to the real meat and potatoes though, shant we? In his most recent piece, where he discusses the Patriots (really, that's weird, he never writes about them!), Simmons compares the Pats to the Yankees. On the surface, this is a pretty crappy argument, or at least a very lazy argument, but it's in his reasoning that I really lose all respect for the man. Basically, he asserts that because the Patriots' story lines are so played out, non-fans are starting to hate them.

Um... they are. Does this guy have so little contact with sports fans that he really hasn't witnessed this for himself? Granted, the Pats have a ways to go before they reach Yankee Hatred Status, but how is this a "crappy argument"?

Here's the problem, the number one offender in this regard, is the SAME FUCKING CORPORATION THAT SIGNS HIS FUCKING CHECKS! . . . I would argue, and it's not a hard argument to make, that ESPN is the single entity most responsible for generating hatred for x, y or z among fans. With their incessant idolization, and their sappy, poorly produced features and their idiotic, talking-head commentators, ESPN pushes tired story lines, 24 hours a day until the only emotion we can respond with is hate.

ESPN exists because people want 24-hour coverage of sports. In fact, not only does ESPN exist but so do ESPN2, ESPN Classic, ESPNEWS, ESPNU, and ESPN Deportes. These networks never would have been launched if there wasn't a demand for them. People get obsessed with sports. It's so ingrained in our culture now, so much a part of our social sphere that fans are constantly looking to feed their appetite with the latest news. I wouldn't necessarily say that ESPN generates the hatred fans feel toward certain players or teams. In my opinion, it's the fans who decide Barry Bonds is a lying cheater, Ron Artest is a moron tarnishing the NBA's image, or the Yankees are constantly buying their way into the playoffs. Those are passionate issues that interest people, so of course the worldwide leader in sports is going to run segments on them and encourage PTI, Around the Horn, and Jim Rome is Burning to discuss them. Perhaps some of the SportsCenter features can be sappy, but to say they're poorly produced is bullshit. This guy has no idea what it takes to become an ESPN reporter or producer. These people are the best of the best and they know what the hell they're doing.

4. Did I mention that the Sports Gal has an archives page now?! I didn't? Well, she does, in a sports column. Awesome huh?

Well, Mr. Schnaars, pretty much everyone I've talked to finds The Sports Gal Speaks amusing. She's sassy, obviously isn't taking her task too seriously, and shakes things up a bit. What's more hilariously ironic than having a complete non-sports fan write a blurb every week for her husband's sports column?

5. Finally, some folks will argue, and it's a fair argument, that Bill Simmons laid the ground work for blogging, and a new kind of sports journalism, with his witty pop-culture references. You know what though, pop-culture isn't static, it moves. And while it has continued to move, and at a rapidly increasing rate, Simmons continues to reference the same TIRED ass movies, shows, bands, etc.

Agreed. I could do with a few less references to Hoosiers, 24, and Pearl Jam. But his audience must like that approach or else ESPN wouldn't let it continue.

This is really all an offshoot of the whole "ESPN-has-ruined-sports" arguement that's been gaining some steam lately. . . . Of course the only way things are going to change is if people stop visiting ESPN.com, and I just don't see that happening anytime soon.

Nope, it won't happen. Because for better or worse, that's the best source of sports news on the web. This guy is a stereotypical, angry Philly native who has nothing better to do than make bogus assertions regarding one of the country's most popular sports columnists. The Sports Guy is popular for a reason, dude. Get off your high horse. I highly doubt even you will stop reading ESPN.com.

*

So, I may now consider myself more of The Future Mrs. DJ Gallo than Bill Simmons' Homewrecker, but the Sports Guy has been an important part of my life as a sports fan and that goes for a whole lotta people out there. To skewer him and his employer is a little extreme. Simmons isn't going anywhere, ESPN isn't going anywhere, and, unfortunately, neither are wannabe pundits like JT Schnaars.

Bill Simmons on ESPNU

Upon discovering that I do, in fact, get ESPNU, I decided to watch the St. Mary's-University of San Diego men's basketball game last night and check out the Sports Guy's second stint providing color commentary. Some observations...

- I didn't remember Simmons' voice being so nasal. Perhaps I was too star struck to notice the day I met him, but it no longer surprises me that they've kept him doing website work all these years.

- The game itself was fairly entertaining but wow, I thought BU basketball games had low attendance. This led to several jabs at USD's expense and Simmons providing a list of ways to increase attendance: among other things, give out free hot dogs to fans, relocate the team, and change the name from "USD Toreros" to "the San Diego Zoo." The lack of fans also led to Simmons spotting a guy in the stands completely decked out in Celtics apparel: "Look at that! Look! That guy HAS TO be wearing $250 worth of merchandise." The dude joined Simmons and play-by-play announcer Rob Stone at halftime. I'm convinced it was because of the Bird jersey and Simmons' mancrush on Larry Legend.

- ESPNU commercial spots are only a step up from what you'd see on TBS at 3 a.m. Ben Roethlisberger for Fatheads.com? Let me just say that a close-up of him yelling at the camera, "YOU CALLING ME A FATHEAD?!" was NOT pretty. And it wasn't even in HD. Also, Charles Barkley swearing by Coach McGee's Nothing But Net video ranked pretty high on the Unintentional Comedy Scale. It can be yours for just $19.95, kids. And if you call NOW, you'll get Nothing But Drills absolutely free!

- After this, I doubt we'll see the Sports Guy doing color for more than a couple games a year (if they invite him back), but kudos to ESPN for pairing him with Rob Stone. The two worked pretty well off each other and seemed to have a good time. Amusing dialogue exchanges...

Rob: "We're both married. But hey, our wives are likely to go at any time. And we're in California with these beautiful women around us."
Bill: [cautiously laughs]
Rob: "Your wife is Tivo-ing this game. You're in trouble already."

Bill: "I went to a school where ice cream day created the biggest line of girls in the dining hall."
Rob: "I went to a school where girls wore baseball hats and sweatshirts on campus. I mean, come on. Not good."
Bill: "Hard to get off, too."
*silence*
Rob: "...You're on your own there."

Bill: "I think when you don't have hair and shave it, it makes you feel stronger."

When the good guys are the good guys no more

"It's too bad the Bears have no idea they're going to lose on Sunday. And then people will adopt the Saints as America's Team, the Pats will beat them, and everyone will hate us and start referring to us as The Evil Empire. You ready for your team to become the Yankees of football?"

Someone said that to me Wednesday night. And then today, Simmons came out with this column.

I consider myself to be a level-headed sports fan when it comes to touchy, emotional matters. I'm not a huge proponent of Yankees fans but I do recognize that not all of them are the devil incarnate. I grew up loathing the Cowboys but genuinely felt bad for them after the botched Romo hold. And as much as I don't agree with LaDainian Tomlinson's post-game press conference last weekend, I understand why he said those things and still respect him as a person and player.

Having said that, when it comes to matters involving my favorite teams, I'm obviously a little biased. Now let me proceed on this "OMG, the Patriots are becoming the Yankees!" thing.

The prospect of that is frightening. But with three Super Bowl titles in the past six years under their belt and another one potentially around the corner, of course people would start discussing their dominance and begin to get fed up with it. It really boils down to a jealousy factor, in my opinion, but my main argument against the "Patriots are becoming the Yankees of football" thing (aside from the fact that they completely sucked it up until the 21st century) is the payroll aspect. From what I gather, people dislike the Yankees because they "buy championships." They have the luxury of stocking up on marquee players when teams like the Devil Rays continue to struggle. But in the NFL, the strict salary cap makes it virtually impossible for a handful of teams to dominate based on their high payroll. That's the beauty of the NFL: teams excel based mostly on factors such as good management, coaching, and team chemistry. The New England Patriots pull out wins without having a roster full of superstars. In fact, Richard Seymour is the only player going to the Pro Bowl this year. They pull out these wins because Bill Belichick is a coaching genius, because owner Bob Kraft has faith in him and the team, because they have a phenomenal quarterback who continuously does well in pressure situations, and because the team under Belichick is one with tremendous drive and cohesion. They have leaders, they have few if any players you'd file under the Complete A-hole category, and they absolutely thrive with the underdog label.

On a related note, I don't blame people for rolling their eyes in response to all this Brady/Manning coverage; we're all in the same boat. But to those people still saying the Chargers should have won last Sunday, cursing the Pats, and claiming they don't care about the AFC Championship game, I ask this: Are you honestly not interested in the outcome of that game? It doesn't excite you at least a little bit? I find that hard to believe. History tells us Tom Brady has come out on top in the majority of Pats/Colts matchups but certainly not in the last two. I'd be watching that game even if I didn't care who won. That's what being a football fan is all about. Admit it: we live for games like this.

While a certain amount of disdain will come along with a Pats win this weekend, and a Colts victory will be met with cries of "it's only because you're at home and indoors" from the Pats faithful, may the best team win. Championship-starved organizations and their fans may view my beloved team as the next Evil Empire. But I've been a devoted fan since the age of 10 and experienced several less-than-stellar years following that team. All those ups and downs are part of sports fandom. And when it comes down to it, I'll love my Patriots no matter what.

NFL Playoffs, Week 2

I was going to title this entry "Deep Penetration" in honor of Jim Nantz and his continuing (unintentional) sexual references during NFL game broadcasts, but I held back. I know, you're disappointed. Anyway, on to some open letters I've penned to the stars of this weekend's FOOTBALL MADNESS!!!!11

LaDainian "But I'm such a nice guy!" Tomlinson: It's one thing to call the Patriots players classless but it's another to drag the coach into it when he's quite clearly the kind of guy who discourages taunting on and off the field. I wouldn't be surprised if he was bitching out his players in the locker room after the game for their behavior following Nate Kaeding's failed field goal attempt. The Pats under the reign of King Belichick have been an organization that makes a point not to smack talk, mock, or taunt its opponents. After all, why would you want the opposing team to play with more passion and vigor? You said, "When you go to the middle of our field and start doing the dance Shawne Merriman is known for, that is disrespectful. They showed no class and maybe that comes from the head coach." Please. Wouldn't you be excited if your team wasn't exactly expecting to win? If you were playing a 14-2 squad with the league MVP? Say what you will, but it was a natural reaction on the part of the players. And just don't trash talk the coach. You're tarnishing your image as a good guy. What will the announcers talk about during Chargers games if you're not SUCH a great guy anymore??

Dear Jabar Gaffney,
Where is this coming from? 18 catches, 207 yards, and 1 touchdown in two playoff games? <3<3<3

Marty Schottenheimer: Sorry you choked in the playoffs again... Okay, fine, I'm not. But maybe you could change your karma by investing in a more updated pair of sunglasses. And perhaps a different hat. You scream washed-up PGA senior.

Shannon Sharpe? We don't know what you're saying. Apparently, you didn't inherit the intelligible gene like your brother Sterling. Even Deion Sanders is easier to understand. But I'll let it slide if you keep shitting on Dan Marino with the other CBS guys. Also, is this your son? Because he sounds a lot like you: http://youtube.com/watch?v=Li3kl7nBlrQ

Dear Tony Siragusa,
We really don't need you to reenact plays for us on the sideline. Not during a game, not ever. This only raises the suckitude of Fox Sports broadcasts.

Stephen Gostkowski: Congrats! No one thought you could replace Adam Vinatieri and do a half-decent job, but you proved us wrong. You may appear 15 years-old and have the look of a kid scared shitless as he takes the mic during the school spelling bee, but kudos to you and your game-winning field goal this weekend. I wasn't sure how you pulled it off until I found his quote of yours on ESPN.com: "Coach Belichick pulled me aside before I went out there and told me that if I missed and made him look stupid for getting rid of Adam Vinatieri, he would destroy everything I love and break up my parents' marriage. That was all the motivation I needed."

Tom Brady,
You continue to be a god among men. I'll meet you at the usual spot this week. xoxo

We interrupt your regularly scheduled program for a moment of "WTF-age"

I've been watching the Seahawks-Bears game no more that 20 minutes, and already Joe Buck has managed to say

(In response to a Bears touchdown, and in 100% seriousness): "Seattle is probably saying right now 'Thank God someone finally found that hole in our defense'"

(In response to a note from a correspondent about traction and cleat length, again, in all seriousness): "I wish I knew which was bigger, 3/8" or 1/2" or 5/8"- Troy, you used to play football, which of those is bigger?" ( I'm pretty sure my 9 year old nephew knows enough about fractions to figure that out).

Just a small reminder to myself why I watch Joe Buck games on mute.

And the sports world surprises us again

I don't care how talented, how big an international celebrity, or how good-looking you are, NO ONE should be paid $50 million/year to kick a ball around and do commercial endorsements. The David Beckham contract with the LA Galaxy (five years, $250 million) surpasses every other seemingly ridiculous deal in the sports realm. Thought the Islanders were crazy for signing Rick DiPietro for 15 years? Couldn't believe it when the Rangers forked over $252 million for A-Rod? Well, this is worse. Beckham will be making 500 times more per week than most of his teammates.

I do recognize how good this could be for Major League Soccer, one of the more low-profile professional sports leagues in the US. MLS could definitely use a recognizable international athlete to bring them some exposure and credibility. However, as Chickball reader Manton pointed out, the guy isn't that great. He had some good years with Manchester United, but after making the jump to Real Madrid four years ago, he has scored just seven goals in 63 games. Galaxy coach Frank Yallop said Beckham is coming to LA at the peak of his career. Yeah. Okay, Frank.

So, Beckham becomes the latest athlete to claim he wants to "make a difference," because accepting the Galaxy's offer had nothing to do with the money. Well, then. I'm sure he and Victoria will find the fake Hollywood atmosphere much to their taste.

Some thoughts on Wild Card Weekend

Couldn't believe it when I received the following text message Saturday night: "The Chiefs haven't made a first down yet with five minutes left in the third." Whaaaaa? Isn't the Colts defense only supposed to be mediocre? And Manning was not on his game, throwing three interceptions and relying on his defense and RB Joseph Addai to bail him out. Any decent team would have taken advantage of that. I guess Herm Edwards' team wasn't (hello?!) playing to win the game. You don't play it just to play it, Herm. That's the great thing about sports. You play to win.

The botched Tony Romo hold was one of the most painful things I've ever witnessed. Now, the Seahawks, a 9-7 NFC West (LOL) team that limped into the playoffs following losses to two sub-.500 teams, have made it to the divisional playoffs. Ugh. This is on par with the St. Louis Cardinals winning the World Series last year. As DJ Gallo (my new future husband) wrote on ESPN.com...

"Underwear: This is what I'd bet Jerry Jones soiled when Romo botched the hold."

That Patriots win yesterday felt awesome. The final score of 37-16 doesn't really illustrate how close a game it was. 17-10 Pats at the half, 23-16 Pats with about five minutes to play in the fourth. Then a six-minute touchdown drive followed by an Asante Samuel 36-yard interception return ended the Jets' season. Favorite moment of the game: Bill Belichick's reaction after the Samuel INT. I have never seen a coach THAT ecstatic. He wanted that win BAD. Second favorite moment would have to be Belichick shoving a cameraman out of the way so he could give Eric Mangini a hug. Shoved him in the face, actually. Classy.

Don't have much to say about Eagles-Giants, although I never thought I'd see Jeff "I'm not gay" Garcia make it to the divisional playoffs this year. I think that perfectly illustrates the state of the NFC. Hopefully he'll just get stomped in 2002 fashion by the superior Saints.

meditations on sports, life, and death.

they say it's easier to talk to strangers. i agree with that. seeing as how most of you reading this are people i will never meet, i'd like to share some thoughts that sort of fit with the spirit of this blog. this is a deeper ponderance that is also cathartic for me.

sports fandom is hereditary. most people don't wake up one day in their cozy homes in western massachusetts and say "hey, i'm going to be a packers fan!". most of us get it from someone. for me, it was my mom's side of the family. football was all my mother, but baseball was my grandpa. he had hats and keychains and mugs and coasters and ashtrays with the cubs logo. he watched every game.

he passed away on friday, and since then i've talked to a lot of family. the memories that made me whimper most was the ones about his cubbies. my uncle jim observed that you could tell the outcome of a cubs game by the amount of empties by his big blue recliner. if they were piled high, they lost. if they were piled high and the jim beam was on the kitchen table, it was an extra innings loss. dusty getting fired was what he crowed about this winter. he was in the icu on thanksgiving and he was still talking about it. snorting and saying something about "well at least they got rid of baker, that man was an idiot". i've been going through papers and pictures, trying to find documents and make a memorial collage (which is an art, by the way). turns out, he played baseball for a long time when he was younger, from 11 until at least age 30. so when he started wailing on the cubs, he knew what the hell he was talking about. which is just like him, knowing everything but not tipping his hand. the worst part of this morning was when my cousin put his friendly confines keychain on the white satin lining of the casket. that thing was on his keychain from the day he got it in the 80s until a few months ago when he let my mom have the keys. it sat on the kitchen table after that, yellowed and smelling like smoke.

closing thoughts: death is hard, life is harder. sports help us get through it all. and if the cubs win a pennant this year, i'll probably start laughing and crying all at once.