"Beth, I have kind of a theological question for you... is David Ortiz God?"

An article by Joan Venoccohi of the Globe about just how awesome MVPapi is

I also want to send out my prayers to Peter Gammons, who had an aneurysm yesterday. Seeing reports about the Sox without him would definitely be a sad day indeed.

Also, it needs to stop raining so I can go see the Sox remind Pedro why he should still be here.

A fairly boo-free evening

I don't think I've ever gotten so emotional at a baseball game.

Last night, 36,000 people showed up at Fenway Park to see the Red Sox take on the New York Mets for the first time since the 1986 World Series. The Sox invited the 1986 team for a pre-game ceremony, which recognized the efforts of those AL Champs. Oil Can Boyd showed up. So did Dwight Evans, Jim Rice, and Wade Boggs. The organization even paid tribute to those who could not be there. And here's where it got interesting:

The fans came to their feet and cheered Bill Buckner for a good minute or so.

Apparently, old wounds heal and people forget grudges. A World Series title will do that to you, I suppose.

Then in the first or second inning, it got REALLY interesting.

The Sox played a montage of vintage Pedro, flashing words of welcome on the jumbotron... and the fans started cheering, louder and louder, until virtually the entire park was participating in a rousing standing ovation. And Pedro, looking visibly touched (and giddy), came out of the dugout to show his own appreciation.

Kind of a surreal situation. This all-star pitcher who I (along with thousands of others) naively thought would always be on the Sox sat in the opposing team's dugout. He waved to the fans. He smiled that Pedro smile and looked like he genuinely missed the Fenway faithful.

"I can't believe this," I said to my friend. "This isn't how it was supposed to be." People around us nodded. Amidst the cheering, there existed a kind of quiet bemusement, as fans attempted to absorb it all. The drunk guy in our section shut up for a few minutes. The kids to my left stopped fidgeting in their seats. The loud guy behind us could only muster a "Damn."

As difficult as it was, I'm glad I could be there. Red Sox fans often get a bad rap but they truly rose to the occasion last night and saluted those deserving. It's rare not to hear a single boo in these types of situations, but that's what happened. Sports loyalty is fierce.

(And in regards to that: Yes, I was the lone fan in my section heckling Julian Tavarez. Someone had to do it.)

ozzie guillen apologizes... but not really

The girls of Chickball are an open-minded lot. We do not endorse discrimination of any kind; we are the exact sort of politically correct middle-class brats you'd expect to find at a high-profile northeastern university. Insults should be thought-out and purposeful; flinging homophobic epithets is cheap, and earns you no street cred. We are all about the love, people.

That said, Ozzie Guillen's "profanity-laced tirade" against Chicago Sun-Times writer and national nuisance Jay Mariotti was inappropriately hilarious. No one's going to argue that anything coming out of Ozzie's mouth that day was tolerable; when you're a high-profile figure, you've got to watch what you say and think before you speak. His words were disgusting, and yeah, my previously high opinion of Crazy Ozzie is taking a nosedive as a result.

But the general sentiment? Rock right the hell on, man. I HATE Jay Mariotti. His obnoxiousness factor is exceeded only by Bill Plaschke of the Los Angeles Times and the Boston Globe's very own Curly-Haired Boyfriend. I'd obviously have appreciated it a whole lot more had he chosen less vile language -- say, "What a piece of shit he is, no-talent irresponsible hack writer with hair like a funeral home director" -- but any time someone lashes out at one of the so-called "pillars" of American sports media, I'm on board, a baby bit.

Additionally, Ozzie's excuse -- that "f**" means something entirely different in his native Venezuela than it does in the U.S. -- is probably bullshit, but it's just as hilarious as the original statement. Why? Because in the end, he's still saying that Mariotti suffers from a serious lack of balls.

(Next up: David Ortiz calls Dan Shaughnessy a "homo" and tries to say that "homo" means "man of impressive coiffure" in the Dominican Republic. All of New England continues to love David Ortiz while snickering as CHB fades into irrelevance.)

Steroid Allegations Hit Sox

So, I was woken up this morning to a phone call from my little sister asking if I'd seen this. You see, we'd met the guy in question at one of the Sox's spring tours through the state, and the fact that he's relatively cute made him one of her favorites.

Basically, Paxton Crawford, who played for less than a year with the Sox (July 2000-June 2001) is saying that Red Sox players got him taking multiple kinds of illegal drugs, including HGH and amphetamines. Tekker and Wake, two of the only three guys still on the team from that period (Trot is the third) have flat out denied a story where Paxton claims a bunch of his needles for injecting stuff spilled out all over the clubhouse floor, and everyone just laughed.

I hope to God none of it's true, but at the least, I doubt any of our current boys will have any problems from this. It's really a shame though, if it is true, and only reaffirms my belief that the MLB-PA needs to suck it up and allow pretty much carte blance steroid testing and a one-strike-you're-out policy, if only to keep scandals like this from happening. In any case, it's not a happy day for baseball.

Heated Playoff Run

So, I'm not the biggest basketball fan in the world (far from it, actually) but Dwyane Wade's MVP performance in the NBA playoffs deserves mentioning. For all those who've been more focused on the World Cup, NHL, or the Red Sox suddenly not sucking, the Miami Heat beat the Dallas Mavericks last night 95-92 to win their first championship. Down two games to none, the Heat surged back against Dirk Nowitski and Jason Terry (my vote for MVP, had the Mavs won it all) and made club history. The Mavs held Shaq to just 9 points last night, which gave Wade the opportunity to really do some damage. He scored 36 points in Game 6 and averaged 34.7 points in the series, despite mediocre performances in Games 1 and 2. But Game 5 of the 2006 NBA Playoffs just might be his legacy. With 1.9 seconds to play, Wade hit two foul shots and gave Miami a 101-100 victory in overtime. Ridiculous. The guy gets the points when it matters most. He gets the crowd excited. He even gets the media giddy, with comparisons to Michael Jordan around every corner. He brushes those off, of course, for how could anyone truly fathom having a career on par with their childhood idol? "The comparison is flattering but at the same time there will never be another Jordan."

Not so sure about that, D-Wade.

On another note, I don't know whether to admire or despise Mark Cuban. A manager THAT passionate about his team is refreshing in a way, but Cuban takes it too far. (If I were an NBA ref, I'd dread every Mavericks game, all the while petitioning David Stern to somehow ban Cuban from his courtside seat.) I feel bad for the guy, though. As a diehard Red Sox, Patriots, and BU Hockey fan, I know what it's like to see your team come so far and then blow it. And I can only imagine the extreme disappointment Cuban is experiencing right now. That goes for all Mavs fans.

But then I think of guys like Alonzo Mourning (whoever thought he'd really play again?) and Gary Payton (first title in 16 seasons with the league). They deserve this. So congratulations, Miami Heat. Maybe (just maybe) you've rejuvenated America's interest in the once-dynastic NBA.

EDIT: When I said the Heat might have "rejuvenated America's interest," I didn't exactly mean in a "Wow, I LOVE the NBA again!" kind of way. There are a lot of people out there who are totally disgusted with the league right now, mostly because of the playoff refing. But at the same time, EVERYONE is talking about it. That's a huge step. So while they may not necessarily be reading articles about and discussing the NBA in a positive manner, people are taking an interest in the goings-on. I see that as a definite good thing.

all aboard the wayback machine

One of my favorite Bill Simmons columns of all time --

Still Haunted by Len Bias, 6/20/2001

Sometimes I see white. That's a pile of cocaine on a coffee table. Maybe it happened this way, maybe it didn't, but I always imagine Lenny Bias turning that Celtics hat around so the bill of his cap wouldn't dip into the pile...

Back in the day, before he moved to L.A. and wrote for Kimmel, before he started name-dropping and published a book, Bill Simmons turned out gems like this almost every week. I still love the Boston Sports Guy, don't get me wrong, and I'm thrilled that most sports fans in the U.S. know him now like I've known him since my freshman year of high school; but everything's gotta lose its luster sometime, especially after it makes famous friends and has to acquiesce to corporate standards.

Sometimes I see gray. That's the color of the concrete on Wyndover Lane in Stamford, Conn. -- the street where I lived as a kid -- which is relevant since I wandered up and down that street for an entire afternoon on the heels of Bias' death.

Just read it. Even if all you know about the name "Larry Bird" is that it's the name of my car, go read it. It's that powerful. The whole thing gives me the same sort of what-if chills I get when I think about things of far greater magnitude than a basketball game, like looking at the past forty years of American history through the lens of a world in which Sirhan Sirhan didn't shoot Bobby Kennedy.

Yeah, I still think about him.

And I hate it.

World Cup Woohoo!

Alright, so I've only ever watched 2 soccer games ever, and they were the two group B games on Saturday, but how 'bout those Ghanans? (Is that the term for people from Ghana?). Kicking some Czech butt to give the USA a chance to advance to round two even though they have yet to score a goal in the World Cup. We technically have a goal, but one of the Italians kicked it in for us- yeah, no one said Italians were particularly smart. Or even tempered, because one of them got mad after they kicked it into our net and ELBOWED OUR GUY IN THE FACE. That was the one deserved red card of the game- the other two were BS, I was watching my second soccer game ever and I could see no one was intentionally trying to hurt anyone. If we miraculously do manage to beat Ghana, though, and advance to Round 2, that stupid ref may come back to haunt us since he gave Eddie Pope two yellow cards, making him ineligible for Game 1 of the second round.

PS Mickelson got PWNED at golf yesterday, he needed par on the final hole to win the US Open and double bogeyed to lose... plus of course there's the matter of the Nats kicking Yankee butt on successive days... a pretty interesting weekend all around
PPS Much thanks to Megan and Aaron for putting up with my dumb questions about soccer on Saturday so that now I can sound like I have some small clue what I am talking about

Get me George W.'s attorney, not Al Gore's

Can someone please explain to me why Jim Thome isn't on the All-Star ballot? I was less than happy about having to write him in. Poor guy. He's having an amazing season and was snubbed in favor of players like Kevin Millar. (Um, what?) Even more horrifying is the fact that Joe Mauer can't break the top 5 for AL catchers. Joe fricken Mauer. How can an entire nation of voters ignore the fact that he leads not just catchers, not just the AL, but the ENTIRE LEAGUE in batting?? Jason Varitek is in first place for voting?! In case no one has noticed, he's sucking it up this season with a .257 BA. And it seems like everytime the Sox have the bases loaded, good ol' Varitek comes up to the plate and kills the rally.

Having the fans vote for who they think should be in the All-Star game sounds good in theory, but think about how the mind of a casual ball fan (or a passenger on the Red Sox or Yankee bandwagon) works. Favorite shortstop? Derek Jeter. Duh. Third Baseman? A-Rod! Who's the best hitter in the game? David Ortiz, of course. (And I have absolutely nothing against Ortiz. I'm just trying to prove a point here.) MLB higher-ups should take into consideration what fans think but ultimately select the rosters themselves. Then, ideally, the guys who truly deserve to play in the game will get that chance.

Man, it's a hot one

In the midst of Julian Tavarez ruining what was a phenomenal game last night, I'm not as upset as I would be under normal circumstances. Last night's game was far from normal. If Red Sox batters are going to get their asses kicked, let it be against Johan Santana.

We witnessed not only a season-high 13 strikeout performance but also saw the 1000th strikeout of Santana's career (against David Ortiz, no less). Keep in mind that this guy is 27 years-old. Twenty. Seven. Watching him pitch gives me chills because it's obvious that history is in the making and our kids will be asking us someday if we remember the young, lights-out Johan Santana. Even he admitted to last night's incredible outing: "I've been in some games where I feel that I've done a good job, but tonight was special."

And let me just say that watching the combination of Santana with Joe Mauer made things that much more wonderful. (Someone better keep an eye on me at work or else I might go through all our file footage and create my own personal montage of Mauer, which would be far superior to the folder of photos currently saved on my computer. I mean, uhh, Joe Mauer? Who's that? Is he a racecar driver or something because I certainly don't have a picture of him on my desktop...)

On another note, does NESN think it's clever by playing Santana and Rob Thomas's "Smooth" before the game? "Wow, this pitcher has the same name as that musician guy. Let's use one of his songs. Yeah! We're wicked smaht." It's on par with ESPN playing Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir" during Scott Kazmir outings, but I won't argue with that one because it's an excuse to play Led Zeppelin. Plus, they're ESPN and they can get away with stuff like that. NESN, on the other hand... shall we get into the fact that the station often runs worse than community access television? Anyone who caught the pre-game report yesterday would have been horrified with the plethora of mishaps. And I hate hate HATE how the studio sounds echo-y. Yeah, okay, they recently moved to a new "state of the art" studio in Watertown and are still working out the kinks, but they can't get the acoustics right for their highest rated show? Please. They have a huge viewing audience and the crap that goes on there (plus the cruddy talent *coughHAZELMAEcough*) are totally uncalled for. It is, however, always fun to turn on the pre- and post-game shows just to see what washed up or retired ball player they've selected as co-host for that day's broadcast. Last night: Dave McCarty, who exhibited about as much enthusiasm as an insomniac flipping through the channels at 3 a.m., only to find yet another rerun of the Golden Girls. I love the Eck, Gary DiSarcina is getting better, and Jim Rice needs to seriously reconsider his wardrobe choices.

Ok. I'm done.

In conclusion, Santana is an animal, Julian Tavarez and his fellow minions of crap relief pitching can jump off the Zakim Bridge for all I care, and the Red Sox should play the Twins more often. I mean, the presence of Joe Mauer would significantly boost TV ratings among females in New England. Joe Nathan isn't so bad either...

bring me the head of julian tavarez

I am going to roast Julian Tavarez over an open flame.

While doing so, I will assemble a tidy array of graham crackers, Hershey bars, and marshmallows. I will then proceed to enjoy a tasty campout snack -- s'more a la toasted relief pitcher. Schilling, Papelbon, and Timlin can join me, along with everyone else who wishes the Red Sox could have a reliable bullpen for once in a billion years.

*

I would also like to know why Coco Crisp is still batting leadoff for the Sox when his OBP is absolutely anemic, while Kevin Youkilis languishes in the bottom third of the lineup and his major talent -- finding his way to the first-base bag -- goes to waste in front of Alex Gonzalez and Dougie's Going Deep Tonite.

*

Yeah, you could say that game was a gut-puncher.

pre-draft mutterings

Quick hits before the draft tomorrow --

If Kansas City's smart, they'll take INF Evan Longoria out of Long Beach State U. Rumor has it that there's a deal already in place with RHP Luke Hochevar, but my vote goes to Longoria. Cape League MVP last year, There aren't any slam-dunks this year -- no Justin Uptons, no Delmon Youngs. Andrew Miller's good, but he's not a sure thing. Fastest to the bigs and most valuable as a trading chip? My money's on Longoria. I do like Miller, though, so taking him near the top wouldn't be a bad decision for anyone.

I'd take Longoria first, Miller second, Hochevar third, Greg Reynolds (Stanford RHP) fourth, and Houston RHP Brad Lincoln fifth.

The Sox pick 27th and 28th, so most of my favorites will be gone by then, but I'll hold out hope for Matt Antonelli (3B at Wake Forest, originally from Peabody, MA), Tim Lincecum (RHP, Univ. of Washington, who throws 101 MPH despite being 6 feet tall in high-heeled disco cleats), high school catcher Max Sapp, and Pedro Beato (RHP from St. Petersburg CC). Lincecum is a tricky case -- he was projected to go in the second round before the season started, but he's been absolutely en fuego this year and it's possible that he might go somewhere in the top five. Wouldn't be a bad pick that high up, but I just selfishly want him on the Sox for myself.

*

RE: the first inning of tonight's Red Sox/Yankees matchup -- WHY THE HELL AREN'T YOU COVERING HOME PLATE, BECKETT? I don't care if it's not a routine play, it's COMMON SENSE.

How long can we stay in first?

I'm worried. It's June and the Red Sox pitching staff is looking less than stellar.

Take a look at Matt Clement. For just the fifth time in 11 starts, Clement allowed three runs or fewer yesterday. We're supposed to be happy about that? It was more of a relief, especially after the Jays game last week in which he gave up six runs. Ugh.

Things were a little different about this time last season. The Sox got their act together toward the end of April and in the next 16 days, the pitching staff brought the team ERA down to 3.38 and went 10-3. Tim Wakefield, Bronson Arroyo, Clement, Jeremi Gonzalez, Wade Miller (!!!), and John Halama were averaging 6 1/3 innings per start and David Wells was looking to return.

As of May 13 last year, Clement was 4-0 with a 3.06 ERA. As of May 13 this year, he was 3-3 with a 5.58 ERA. And while he has added two wins to that record since then, his ERA is at 6.68.

It seems Schilling and Beckett are the only starters we can count on, but even Beckett isn't a sure thing after giving up a career-high four homers in his last outing. Wakefield's not exactly having a career year, Wells and Dinardo are on the DL, and the Sox had to call up 22-year-old David Pauley to join the rotation. Names like Jon Lester and Craig Hansen are now being tossed around.

I'm worried. I have to hope that things will improve, pitchers will take a cue from Clement and maybe examine video of their better games, Theo will make a deal to secure the team another starter, etc. It kills me every time I read about Arroyo and his success on the Reds. (That's right folks. He's 7-2 with a 2.40 ERA... and we have Wily Mo Pena... on the DL... awesome.) This is not a team that could make it very far in the playoffs. I am completely bewildered as to how we're atop the AL East right now, but apparently, the competition isn't much better. Everyone keeps talking up the Jays but they haven't been a huge threat thus far.

Speaking of competition, how bout them Yanks? Injury ridden and supposedly barely holding on yet they continue to win. Jeter is a sure candidate for MVP and Torre is up there for Manager of the Year. With such key hitters as Sheff and Matsui on the DL, the Yanks are STILL topping the Red Sox in run production, slugging percentage, on-base percentage, batting average, stolen bases and total bases. Oh, and their ERA is better, too.

WTF.

This next Sox-Yanks series should be interesting. With Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, and Jason Giambi questionable for this week and Johnny Damon and Jorge Posada playing hurt, the Sox definitely have a chance to take the series. Of course, everyone thought the last matchup would be a runaway for Boston and... not so much. I don't know what to expect this time around.

And here's my rant of the day: Sports writers trying to spice up their writing with ridiculous language. MLB.com is usually the worst (according to Ian Browne, Clement put "both himself and his team in the win column in this 8-3 conquest of the Tigers in the rubber match of a three-game series"), but even Gordon Edes was guilty of it in this morning's Boston Globe: "The Red Sox left their calling card here with the Tigers and headed back to the Bronx tonight, Motown giving way to a TV miniseries." And Michael Silverman of the Boston Herald: "Even if she could, the fat lady hasn’t gotten up off the couch yet. So as the Red Sox enter the Bronx beast’s belly tonight for the start of a four-game series, here’s one fun morsel to chew on: The Yankees are better." (The Herald also ran an article with the headline, "Sox gobble up appetizer: Pound Detroit before main course in Bronx.")

Calling cards, beast's belly, appetizer, taters (MLB.com's word for homers, to which I say, "Um, what??") and that's just from a day's worth of mediocre articles. Come on, guys. Seriously.

Aaaanyway...

I keep looking at these Red Sox night after night and thinking, "This team does not look like a playoff contender. At all." And as things stand, it's not.

I suppose it's only June, though. I'll just keep reminding myself of that.

because you all wanted to hear barry zito warbling about meeting girls in bars

Pujols out with strained right oblique; Cards slugger likely headed to disabled list

Apparently, he's mortal after all. And as his owner in the East Coast Faction Fantasy League, I'm pretty damn annoyed right about now.

On to happier subjects. For instance, the Oakland Athletics' sudden rebound from the Pit of Despair. (If y'all didn't know already, I'm a pretty big A's fan and I'm not entirely sure why. The team hotness factor can't account for why I find myself rooting for Marco Scutaro with almost the same intensity with which I root for Mark Loretta. Maybe I was Chuck Finley in a past life. It's weird -- about three times each semester, I get asked if I'm from California because I like the A's and say "dude" a lot and wear flip-flops constantly. For the record, I was born and raised in Massachusetts and I've never been west of Syracuse.)

Did you kids see my boy Zito on Thursday? Third-lowest ERA in the AL at 2.87, baby. I love my West Coast hippie left-handed curveballer from Jupiter, for serious, even if he did date Alyssa Milano for about three months longer than he should have. I've had mad love for Zito ever since he shut down the Yankees in the 2000 playoffs, and that was before I knew about the stuffed animals and pink pillows and NOFX CDs and hilarious guitar playing.

Oh, what's that? You want me to elaborate on that last part? Well, okay, if you insist. Barry Zito plays the guitar very poorly and while wearing hilarious pants, but he does it with such intensity that you can't help but enjoy it even if he sounds like the poor man's John Mayer. He tried to teach everyone else in the Oakland clubhouse how to play, but the only one who paid attention was Richie Harden. Richie is currently teaching Huston Street how to play, and that's just one big long chain of hot pitcher booty, if you ask me. Anyway. Zito used to perform with his sister's band, The Sally Zito Project, and his most notable song is a little number called "The Boy Next Door," available for download on the website. Lyrics include:

You look at me
Like I just slept with your mother
Don't judge me 'cause I could be your brother
And I bet your dad would love me too

and

I won't go too far
I got two sisters
And I know how girls can be

Stephen Sondheim he is not.

Anyway, the whole thing just makes me burst into stupid girl giggles, so I give Barry Zito serious props for doing something no other ballplayer can do these days -- be completely ridiculous and smoking hot at the same time.